I am a suicide survivor and this post comes from this perspective. If you have ever lost someone to suicide, my heart goes out to you.
This week something happened to me that prompted me to write this blog post. A very close friend of mine asked me to do something so bad that it surprised me that she believed, given my history, that I would say yes.
I prefer not to go into detail about what my friend asked me to do, but it really made me reflect on how I have hurt the people in my past. My past always seems to come up, and in this piece, it makes sense to write about it.
I have mentioned before that in my life I have tried to take my life three times, and luckily no matter how much I tried it was unsuccessful. I am glad I survived but looking back at that times when I wanted to erase myself from this world, it really hurt so many people along the way.
If I am being honest, at the time of each suicide event there were days, weeks, months, and even years of deep depression before making the decision to end it all. I was lost. I didn’t care if I lived or if I was dead. I never reflected on what comes after my death. Would my family just move on? In the moment, I just wanted to not exist in a world that I never fit in. It was the darkest of places, and often I would imagine my death.
It was years later after my last suicide attempt in 2010 that I realized the impact my suicides had on my friends and family. My best friend, for example, talked to me very little for four years after my last suicide attempt. I can count on one hand how many times I saw her or talked to her in those four years. It took the death of my grandfather to bring us closer together again. I never realized that she almost lost me three times and the toll that must have taken on her, I never blamed her for pushing me away.
I can only say that in the moment I was a selfish ass that never really cared about the impact my suicide would have had on my loved ones. I was lost in my own world. Things between my father and I were very strained for years because he had trouble reconciling with the fact that I didn’t have the will to live. I learned years later that he had told my mom to “just let him die” during my second suicide attempt. In the moment I don’t blame him because it was hell that I brought upon my family on an almost daily basis.
Then there is the person that my life has impacted the most, my mother. It saddens me as I think about it now. My mom always saw me as the person I am now, getting my life on track working hard, so it was hardest for her to see me in a constant downward spiral into darkness. I honestly don’t know why she didn’t just give up on me. She should have in my opinion. Instead, she fought for me and I am here to today because of her. Seeing her son time and again trying to end his life, must have taken a toll on her, but she is the strongest woman I know. Somehow she always got me through it and today I am in such a good place.
I write this post for two reasons; the first is to reflect on the family and friends that have been hurt over the years and the people who are no longer in my life. The second and most important reason is to those that are thinking about or have thought about suicide, please find a way to not feel this way. The very idea of suicide is a dark thought, and with all darkness, it can be overcome. I know it sounds like a cliché but it is true.
I will always write about this subject because suicide prevention is the most important thing that I want to accomplish here as The Bipolar Writer. I would not wish suicide on my worst enemy.
I want to close with this, there are so many options out there to get help (I will list some of the ones I have used.) If anyone reading this feels suicidal please contact me. You can email me through this blog or contact me through any of my social media accounts. I will listen and be there no matter what the problem. Also, share your own experiences if you want to reflect on if your suicide attempts have hurt people.
Be safe, and always keep fighting.
National Suicide Hotline
Photo Credit: Dylan Roberts