I woke up today. I’m alive. I can take solace in this fact.
Can a week be so great, and at the same time one of the worst weeks of my life? Well, I would classify this week in exactly this way. So much good wrapped into a few bad things made my week go into a tailspin.
My week started well enough on Monday with lots of writing and homework as I worked towards getting my work done so that I could play Shadow of War as soon as it was released. At the same time, the Dodgers won and advanced to the National League Championship Series. Life was good for a Monday.
Then something happened that really put a damper on my week. A friend of mine asked me to help them commit suicide. I have talked about suicide several times in other blog posts, and if my readers don’t already know, I am 100% against suicide. I have attempted to commit suicide three times in my life, and the last one was the closest I have ever been. It is the worst feeling to be in that dark place.
This person, who I will not name, knows me well, and to have the audacity to ask me something so dark and deep, it really made me depressed. I can’t imagine a world where this person doesn’t exist. The worst part is this person decided after to not talk to me very much over the week giving me one-word answers. What am I supposed to do about that?
One of the things I sought out to do with my blog was to connect with people who are Bipolar or depressed or even dealing with anxiety. Suicide is a touchy subject with me because one of the main goals in my life is to be an advocate against suicide by helping people get through situations that arise that bring them to suicidal thoughts.
Another incident happened this week that really made me realize that there are just not enough recourses to people with mental illnesses. On WordPress, I came across another human being on the edge of suicide, and I tried my best to help. It sucked because this person had so many issues and very little help.
I did what I could, and pointed her to the resources that she could use over the weekend, but I couldn’t help but feel helpless. This feeling is not great. I was faced with two suicide situations and I hoped that what was offered would help. I feel lost in these feeling, and I have been losing a lot of sleep over it. I want to be a beacon of light and use this blog for good. Maybe I will.
I just don’t know what to do about my friend because they are determined to avoid me and it would be impossible to go over and try to help this person.
I am also still struggling with my anxiety this week. After experiment over the weekend with immersing myself into a social situation, my anxiety has only increased. I am not sure if there is a connection between what I mentioned earlier or if it is me losing my grip on my social anxiety again, but it is starting to reach high levels. It didn’t help that I missed a much-needed session with my therapist, which is a significant sign that things are spiraling, so it only adds to the bad.
A combination of depression and a lack sleep usually spells doom, like the fact that my studying space and room have started to be in disarray. This is always a classic sign that I must refocus, and with finals, this coming week cleaning up my space might put me on a good track.
The second hardest thing that I have had to deal with this week is my increasingly problematic insomnia issues that are plaguing me right now. I have seen over the week a steady increase in my Seroquel. My main dosage is 300mg with the possibility of maxing out to 600mg if my sleep is problematic. The last week I was at 500mg and at least I would sleep for a few hours.
It has been many years since I have taken a max dosage, but last night I finally reached a point where I wasn’t sleeping at 500mg so I took an extra up to the 600mg dose. The problem was, that this did nothing. I may have slept about 45 minutes in total before waking up at 5:30 this morning. This has been bothersome to me this morning because my week starts with an early start tomorrow. I feel so anxious thinking about that in my finals week things could go wrong. Sleep is so important to someone like me.
The good thing is I have made some amazing connections over the week. My fellow bloggers have been kind when it comes to discussing the topics that I have written since starting this blog, and in my mind, that is very important.
This week I will have to work on me because things have a way of spinning out of my control when too many negative things happen in my life. I am still going to help people in any way I can, so here is the ending of one week, and the beginning of the next.
Photo Credit: Kasper Bertelsen