I had an interesting conversation the other day with a very close family member. They basically told me they are just living life, doing what they have to until they die. This hurt me on so many levels. I am really close to this family member and what he said resonated in my life because I have had those thoughts plenty of times. I tried to offer him ways to get out of the feeling of loneliness but nothing helped. I realized if the roles were reversed I would feel the same way.
What makes us humans get to a point that we think there is nothing worth living for in this life? That feeling that we are just getting by waiting for death to claim us is a real thing that crosses the mind for many people. Is it that society says that we should be a certain way, a worker bee that works long hours and that we can’t enjoy life? It has something to do with it, but it can’t just be that simple. There are plenty of people that enjoy life.
Do they have something we don’t? Or is we have something they don’t?
I wondered to myself about being alone after talking to my family member which prompted this blog post. I know what he wants in this life is someone to love but he believes so strongly that you have to find a supermodel to be happy and that is far from the truth. I think just finding someone that loves you should be enough. He doesn’t believe that the way he looks is good enough for anyone so he has given up the idea of being happy. That, in turn, has made him believe he is just doing what he can to move through life waiting for the clutches of death. He is just going through the motions in his own way.
I am the opposite of that because I revel in the loneliness that is my life. I just do better by myself, but this subject has come up on my blog before, and after talking to my family member some truth crossed my mind. In my own way, I have given up on relationships and companionship simply because I have been alone for so long.
Am I just waiting alone for death to take me someday?
There are nights when my anxiety reaches such high levels, it crosses my mind that if I had some in my life, I could discuss what is bothering me. It doesn’t bother me so much that I want to go out tomorrow and get a girlfriend, but will I always be okay with being alone? It’s a serious thing to think about because this topic never really came up in my anxiety thoughts until this year.
I quit my last relationship because I knew this life I lead would be impossible to put on another human being. I deal with so much and my life is always messy, how could I ever bring a person into my chaos?
It could be I am just fooling myself to believe that I am okay being alone, and eventually, like most things in my life it will catch up to me at the wrong time. I don’t feel the need for companionship unless my life is really going wrong like it has during the winter times the last three years.
I just don’t look for companionship anymore though there have been a few that have tried. I am so focused on finishing my degree that I am close to finishing that goal that I often forget about the outside world.
I have my blog, my screenplay, and my memoir that keeps me busy. I have used my writing to get through some of the worst parts of my life and I feel good that I can turn to writing for a place of solace. The question is still valid.
Can someone go this long without someone special in their lives without losing a real part of themselves forever?
I am so torn because this is not a subject that doesn’t come up in my life very often. Its a trigger that hardly happens because I am so laser focused from the moment I wake up and I am trying so hard to get things done in my life before I let someone in.
For so long I didn’t believe that someone like me could never find happiness because I have a mental illness.
I am curious what my fellow bloggers think about this. Do you have a partner that understands your ups and downs of your mental illness, or are you like me and content with being alone?
Always Keep Fighting.