A Little White Pill

I wrote this very raw poem about Ativan but I never intended to actually let people read, but I was feeling rather good today so here it is.

A Little White Pill

A little white pill, it means the world.

When you fail to take it, it reminds you in the worst way.

I am reminded of this with a constant feeling of hopelessness.

Panic. Fear. Uneasiness.

It begins.

I can’t breathe or focus.

My mind races—thoughts.
Oh, so many thoughts.

Worst case scenarios playing out in my mind.

Will I survive? What will people think?

I can’t go out, I have to stay.

It’s safe here. Stay, just stay.

There is a whole world out there— no please stay.

My mind is winning.

I can’t do this. How can someone live like this?

The tightness in my chest seems to spin out of control.

—I can’t breathe.

Why is this happening?

I must sit. No, I can’t sit. You must.

A tingling sensation consumes my hands.

First at the tips and before long it is engulfing my hands.

“Stay calm,” they say.

I feel so cold, and yet I am sweating.

What is this?
Numbness takes me over.

I get lost in it, I do everything I can.

Nothing helps—wait, what about that little white pill.

A new dosage. More powerful than before.

I take that white pill.

Time—it moves slowly.

Yes. I can feel it now. It’s over.

It’s finally over.

I should have done my mindfulness breathing.

Who knew a little white pill was the answer.

I wonder.

Was it the cause or the cure?

Like the doctor said, take as prescribed.

J.E. Skye

Upgrading The Bipolar Writer Blog to Business

I am looking to expand The Bipolar Writer blog to new territories that include having the blog sell books for other artists (if I can make everything work). I am also looking to sell my own book here on my blog. I hate asking for donations but I have to do what I can.


Photo Credit: unsplash-logoLesly Juarez


46 Replies to “A Little White Pill”

  1. I’m glad you posted it. Some of the things you post about made me wonder if I was bipolar. I had to do some research. I am not but so many of the same symptoms. I’m glad I found your blog.

  2. Indeed I have, Ive been on medication for more than 25 years, for chemical imbalance. I still have lots of other symptoms that I didn’t talk to anyone about, but I have learned to deal with it. I don’t want to add any more meds to my pile and I feel okay, don’t let anxiety stop me from doing things I want to very often. Thank you.

      1. I don’t understand what you are apologizing for? You didn’t say anything wrong or inappropriate. Carry on, you are doing great. Advice is great and thoughts. I still should seek more from med professionals, I just don’t want to. |It’s all good!

  3. I am so glad you posted this. I have been there…not for a long time, but I have definitely been in your poem. I love the line about cause or cure – there is sometimes such a fine line between the two.

  4. Amazing! I love that you captured the emotions that I’ve never been able to. Pills are so strange and powerful. They have an effect whether you are taking them or not and it’s interesting to hear what those different effects can be. Keep up the amazing work!

    1. Pills are so strange, how do we know if we need it the pills. I am all for them because I have been better on them, but the question is valid. Could I also be okay without? Thank you for your kind words.

      1. It’s a very important question to ask. And the answer is always going to be different for every person but it’s important nonetheless. No problem, man!

  5. Lovely poem. Been there myself. Not with Ativan but another. For me one particular med was key to getting to where I could actually do the work of therapy and get to the point to be off it. But that stage of “is everything going to go shit to hell again if I stop this drug?” Was terrifying and kept me from weaning off it for a long time. Happy to say for me so far been no need to go back on it and been med free for years at this stage but I’m grateful it was there to help me get to where I am now. Thank you for sharing your words and story.

      1. Maybe. from what I understand I’m not the typical. And I think both my team and I both were surprised with how my case progressed over 13 years. I mean I’m really glad I am where I am now but had anyone told me even 5 years ago let alone ten this would be where and how my life is I couldn’t have believed them. The brain and neurology can do weird stuff. As I’m sure you know. Wish you all the best.

      2. I can understand that, I am in a better place over the last five years. I have a good team in place and it helps. Maybe once I get things under control I can move in that direction of getting off all the medication.

  6. Incredibly raw and I can totally relate. Thank you for posting this. It is good to feel that I am not the only one that goes through battles such as this.

  7. I reblogged this. I just left a café in tears right before the Christmas parade, feeling overwhelmed more and more lately.

    1. Thank you so much for the kind words. I am no great poet but I do my best to put my raw emotions when I do write poetry. I am glad you feel less isolated.

  8. My doc always says “take when all else fails” and the worst is when you’re out and and the panic sets in so you check your bag for this little white pill and its’ not there… I’m so glad I found your blog, it’s like i’m not alone in how I feel.

    1. Thank you for reading my blog. I can’t leave my house without my Ativan in a pill bottle in my bad. It’s the first thing off my check list before leaving my house. I have to have Ativan, water and my inhaler in case I start to hyperventilate. Without these three things I can physically leave my house.

      1. I’ve tried a few times to see I can cope with it but it doesn’t work…. yet. I’m on diazepam at the moment and I’m scared I’ll become addicted to it which prevents me from taking it…

  9. Thanks for ones marvelous posting! I genuinely enjoyed reading it, you could be a great author.I will remember to bookmark your blog and definitely will come back later in life. I want to encourage continue your great writing, have a nice afternoon!

  10. Wow. This is so powerful. I couldn’t have said or described it better myself. I was diagnosed as bipolar at age 15. Later they added “with anxiety and chronic depression”. I’ve lived every word of your poem on more than one occasion.

    Thank you for the follow!

  11. Very well written and so true. Only for me it’s Valium… I like the line that asks “Is it the cause or the cure?” Wow! Powerful words.

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