Then, There are Nights


At around 10:15 pm yesterday I lost control for the first time in two weeks.

I thought I was passed this. It was a great two weeks of my anxiety going down and no panic attacks. I know panic attacks are a part of the life but with my new dosage of Ativan, I was so hopeful that things had turned. This might have been an isolated incident. Stress from a stressful week. So many things to get done. So many things left before my much-needed break from school.

I have no idea the cause last night. I was feeling anxious sure, but I was relaxing the best I can I was in the middle of a good video game. I tried to do My mindfulness meditation and it was a wasted session.

All of a sudden. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t calm myself. I felt sick. So I rested. I was playing my video game and a wave of anxiety washed over me. So I did what I could and took my night time Ativan anxiety medicine early.

It didn’t help and before long I spiraled out of control. I could barely or keep still. My fingers down to my palms were numb. I couldn’t breathe, and I was hyperventilating and losing control. I was in a full-blown panic attack with no control, and those are always the most dangerous. I lost myself completely.


It got so bad my family had to call an ambulance. By the time the ambulance and fire arrived the third Ativan finally started to take effect. It took so long, but by the time they arrived they told me what I figured. They couldn’t give me anything in the ambulance and it was the same at the hospital.

I had to let the Ativan finally kick in. Will this alwaysbe my life?

The Ativan eventually went through my system, and it wore me completely out. My doctor says bed rest but I have my project due by Sunday. I am stressed to the max. So many goals and so little time to achieve them.

I know I am stressed. I just have to get through this week and I will have a much-needed break from all stress. The funny thing is I just saw my regular doctor today, and she gave me a flute shot. Now I am sick and had a really bad panic attack? Maybe I am reading too much into it.

So, today is another day. I had a setback but I have to keep going forward.

Always Keep Fighting.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoJoshua Earle

unsplash-logoCristian Newman

45 Replies to “Then, There are Nights”

  1. Maybe it is the stress of Sunday’s deadline that triggered that attack. You have to believe that it will get better, fewer and farther between. You went two weeks without an anxiety attack. Next time maybe you will go 3 weeks or 4 weeks. Yes it will get better. You have to believe it. I’m glad you finally got it under control last night. Anxiety attacks are always exhausting.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. They are so exhausting. I had no energy this morning. I am so tempted to take the day off but I have so much work left. I just have to power through it. Thank you for your kind words.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I am happy you made it though the night, those must be terrifying experiences. I love that you share even these set back with us, it inspires me to keep moving forward in the big and little things.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Sorry to hear about this, I’m glad you keep sharing your experiences though, good and bad. I hope the rest of your week goes better!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You have my empathy … its such a horrible thing!
    You also have my admiration however!
    #AlwaysKeepFighting ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Could it be that playing video games tires you out too much? Reading does that for me. If I notice that I’m tired I just watch television. No art, no books and no computer.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it was more me not really focusing that there was something brewing. My mind was wondering for a long time before it happened. I am usually good at taking my Ativan right away but I didn’t think my anxiety would spiral like it did.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey, i hope you feel better soon. I know how hard it is to deal with stress and anxiety. I have anxiety disorder and it does interfere with so many things. Just keep breathing through it and it will be okay. Continue to stay positive ! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so sorry to read about this…I am hoping you are feeling much better today.
    Electromagnetic light frequencies can reduce our feelings of well-being. I wondered if it might help you to split-up your study time into shorter chunks when working on the computer, and also, perhaps reduce the video games useage? It’s important to clear our own electrical field by having regular breaks away from the overwhelm of the electrical activity around us. It is why nature can feel so uplifting … it clears our energy field. I wondered if it might help to perhaps restrict computer use to just your studies whilst you are feeling anxious? … Might it be worth considering interspersing your study time with regular breaks…by doing something that brings you joy? Is a short walk outside possible? For example, could a friend/ family member stop by for a short visit, with a possible view to getting some fresh air?
    You might feel like this is a set back because you were doing so well, however, we often take two steps forward and sometimes three steps back, but in the longer view we are also moving further along the road than we realise. We often expect too much of ourselves, and then if we struggle, we think we have failed, but in truth it isn’t failure… it is called being human. You are doing brilliantly. You got through a severe panic attack, and even though it was frightening, you came out the other side. You have great courage. You used all the tools. Some will have helped more than others. It is a learning curve…finding out what works for you. Make a note of the things that did work. Keep the notes somewhere you can access for future use.
    You called for assistance…that was the right thing to do.
    Your doctor and therapist will help you move forwards from this too. Ask for extra support from your teachers if you need it. That way, everyone is able to give you the best support. It might take the pressure off you especially if you need time to recover. Your health has to come first. Take good care, James, and all my wishes for a peaceful week. 🌻

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the advice. It’s interesting. I can reduce gaming the only issues is it helps with depression. I kinda know about this research but I will look more into it. Again thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I always love to read your posts, because you’re so brave. Putting yourself out there to benefit others is amazing, and although you experience really tough situations, you always present a silver lining and hope. Well written, keep up the great posts, hope you’re feeling better 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I’m sorry that happened. Sometimes we take a step back before taking steps forward. I do hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Jesus said in the Gnostic gospels that unless you address what is within you what is within you will destroy you. This is why I beleive drugs only work to a certain degree. Part of Complex PTSD is overwhelming sensation that floods like a river, only somatic experiencing of the pain or buried feelings that lie under a panic attack will free us but that said it can be a seemingly impossible task to unpack. I am so sorry you are enduring this but what is buried in the body will out no matter how many times your mind tells you you now have freed it. The body is always trying to wake us up. Love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You made it through it! That’s what’s important! As someone with some horrible anxiety myself, I get what it can be like. Keep fighting, buddy! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I thought a lot about this this morning. I wondered if with playing the game you left your body behind for too long. I am reading the book Frazzled by Ruby Wax at the moment and she speaks of how we can get so focused on technology at times we arent listening to what our bodies need in the present moment. I was just a thought as I felt my other comment could have been a bit obscure. I was trying to get at something but it wasnt totally clear. Hugs xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I understand. You might be right. I am very much into my technology. I often go writing on my computer to writing on my phone. Then I often play video games to unwind. It’s all about technology. I even like the tv on while I sleep. It’s possible I have become too dependent on my technology. It’s not so easy to unplug but I can make changes. My whole is technology run. I swear when computers take over I will probably go willingly.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I totally understand as it can feel too lonely to be in the room just with ourselves. I try now to have some time to sit just doing nothing for a time or pottering in my garden. Since my Mum died that is where I find both soothing and relief. Maybe this attack happened so you could learn something you needed to. What do you think?

        Liked by 1 person

  13. I feel so sorry that this happened to you! I wish I could offer any advice or something that would help. Unfortunately, I’ve been in situations like this many times myself and I still don’t have any answers (other than just allowing myself time to rest). I can, however, offer sympathy. I hope it gets better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was just one of those nights where my thoughts consumed me to the point of panic. It eventually got better. It honestly felt as if it never would get better to be honest.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad it got better but that feeling that it wouldn’t sounds absolutely terrifying! Feeling like something awful like that will never end is one of the worst feelings I can think of! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope that resting helps!

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s