I knew the moment that I finished my semester that I would need sleep. It has been such a long semester for me and every day recently has felt like a struggle to survive. It’s very rare where I will spend a couple of days in a row in bed all day, but it was something that just seemed necessary the last two days given how crazy the last few weeks have been.
Still. I view this past weekend as a minor setback. I hardly wrote at all which makes me annoyed with myself. I always feel better after a good long writing session. It was painful to skip a day writing on my blog and even when I did write, it wasn’t really new content, just reviewing my week.
It has been a while since I just binge-watched Netflix all day, and doing that two days in a row, well that I consider a setback. What makes it worse is that with my stomach issues still a major problem, I am eating smaller meals to get by, and for the most part I have lost my appetite.
Giving up coffee means that I feel less like myself and even less like I really want to get anything productive done. I am a little worried that I will waste my winter break and stay in bed all the time because it’s what has happened in the past.
What makes setbacks so annoying is that it is entirely under my control. I can get up, put down my gaming controller and do something productive. But, I chose to let depression sink in and I let the feeling of being lost control my present.
When I give into the negative thoughts so much that I feel like the minor setback of the last few days could grow into something worse and I could really sink back into depression. What makes this thought worse is that I thought I had my depression under control again. I have come so far in this winter and yet things could change in an instant.
I have given in less and less to the pull of depression this winter, but without the constant pull of having to go through my day to complete what is necessary for my school work, I am worried I have will have no pull in any direction. Being directionless is something that can spell trouble in my life.
At some level, I can control it. I can make the decision to get out of bed each day and be as productive as I can. I still have my writing projects. My memoir. This blog.
But there is also the feeling that I just need to close out the year as best as I can because a new year might just be what I need to jump start everything in my life.
This next week will be very tough I can already tell. My body is worn and my mind is in worse shape. I have been through so much these past weeks that I could really sleep every second of the next week.
I honestly don’t know where to go with my week. The prospect of taking an entire week off of life feels right, but how can I justify it? I have so many things I want to do over the next two weeks. I want to end the final week of 2017 of The Bipolar Writer the right way.
I could decide to write a couple more features since I am behind on that goal. I need to dive back into my memoir.
I know that today is Christmas, but I am not feeling at all like celebrating. I really feel like spending another day lost in the nothingness of depression. I am so lost right now. I feel directionless and alone. The best way to get through it is one day at a time.
Anyway. This minor setback might turn into something else very soon.
Always Keep Fighting.