I wrote this piece yesterday. It’s always great to share my social anxiety experience on my blog. My series “My Social Anxiety Life” is always a great glimpse into how I live with social anxiety. Here is the last three in the series:
Today was the first day out in the real world in over a week and the first day of 2018. It amazes me as I sit here eating a very delicious pretzel, that I am a unique person among all the people I see going about their lives.
I am sure there are others around me dealing with social anxiety, but I feel very alone in all of my social anxiety. It’s so hard to figure out who isn’t dealing with the constant feeling of going home versus being among people and wanting to end this little experiment of leaving the safety of my house.
This is just a first stop. I needed to re-up on my supplies and I have a doctors appointment with my psychiatrist in a half hour. A nice snack with my music on my wireless headphones makes it easier to deal with being out in public. I never really take the time to realize that people are just trying to deal with their own things. They move past one another with their own goals in mind,
I look around and I can’t shake this feeling that the people around me know that I am socially awkward and full of anxiety. I feel as if I feel as if don’t blend into the crowd, and yet, I blend in so well.
My doctor’s appointment went well enough. By the time I got to my psychiatrist office my Ativan has kicked into gear. It’s still strange to be around my own people. I wish sometimes I was more open to talking to people like me, it is so much easier on my blog. It’s harder in this place because everyone is here for the same reason, they have to talk with their therapists and psychiatrists. I know how much anxiety can come from this event, and its why talking to people here at behavior health isn’t the best idea.
Still, I feel left out. Many of my people here know each other. They do things like group therapy, the one thing I am against trying. They say hello to one another and I feel left out. To combat this, I just put on my headphones again. I hate being socially awkward.
I did have an out of body experience today. I saw a guy that was in the psych ward the first time I was in. I am not sure if he recognizes. It’s doubtful. I didn’t have a beard ten years ago.
It’s amazing that I can get through my psychiatrist appointment that just an hour before I was very anxious feelings about, I almost didn’t go. In the end, I got through it and survived.
I am hoping by next week my therapist and case manager will have more information about the anxiety service dogs. If anyone knows where I can find more information I would be forever grateful.
I really wanted to stop at Starbucks and get a hot tea and read for a bit. I wasn’t ready. I haven’t left my house very much the last couple weeks deciding to do most of my writing at home. It would have been too much in one day to sit in a coffee shop and read.
I do plan on getting out more in the coming weeks. It is on my list. It’s just tough to get back in the right frame of mind with my social anxiety. It’s also raining which always makes me sad. Once I start my semester next week I will be using my outings to go out and study. Maybe at different places this year.
It’s been a mental health day. I have been writing every day since Christmas and it was nice to listen to a new book. I have a huge audiobook collection and I decided to listen to Stephen Kings IT. It’s been years since I read this book, but it felt good to read a few chapters out today.
My social anxiety life wasn’t perfect today, but even so, I left my house for the first time in 2018. It’s a start and it is one of my goals this year. To really get out of my own space. Be comfortable in life outside my safe zones.
I can’t complain though, we are only three days in and I am working hard on getting every goal back on track. My writing is flowing the best it’s been.
Another chapter in my social anxiety life is done and gone. Time to listen to some good music and sleep.
Always Keep Fighting.