My Mental Illness Journal

One of the goals of writing my memoir is to share moments of time when I was in the deepest parts of my depression. I often keep a journal of my thoughts during the worst times. I want to present two such journal entries. It was from 2015 on my birthday and three days after.

I was is in a really bad place in April of 2015. It was just before I started seeing my therapist for the first time. The first entry was a late night entry. I had just gotten back from celebrating my birthday, but to be honest, it was just me going through the motions. I will present it as it was written flaws and all. It was the first entry in a new leather back journal that I bought to celebrate my birthday. I also bought myself some books on this trip. The second entry was during the day three days later.

If you have a moment please read my two of blog posts.

Mental Health Stigmas

Living with Faith in a Bipolar Life

Journal Entry April 10, 2015

I really wonder the point. Why am I here? Depression has become such a huge part of my life that in a way it has become me. That really sucks. I have been racking my brain about what a first entry would look like, but all that has filled my mind lately is my depression. So here is all that is on my mind.

I worry that everything in my life is falling apart. But, in reality, the truth is most of my life is constant chaos. Mostly because my life is a mess. My biggest trait in life is that I lie about everything. I tell people that I am okay, but the truth is I am hanging by a thread. I never really got better. It has become so easy to pretend because it has actually gotten worse.

I pretend I want to live when the reality is every night my last thought is that I wish not to wake up. I am falling apart and no one actually knows the truth. My life is about pretending that it could get better. There really is no hope for someone like me. People like me, outsiders, are just that, outside of the normal.

I have lived my life wrong and now I am at the point where all my hope of moving on is gone. I just turned _____ today and I am not looking forward to what is ahead. Honestly, I never thought I would make it to thirty. But, here I am. So here is my first real journal entry in a long time. I am not sure where to go from here, but I will share my thoughts however dark, in this place.

Journal Entry April 13, 2015

I let a few days pass without writing here. I needed the break. Today has been a full day and for tomorrow it is promising to be even more of a full day. I finally finished my short story after failing to even write a word yesterday. I am living in Graceland right now. I am very lucky that my professor gave me yet another extension. Without it, I most likely would have not turned in my paper at all. I need to start from ahead and not behind, and this is a perfect week to do just that.

My psychiatrist decided to flake on me again. I have always had trust issues with letting people in, but my doctor has helped me get more services. I am not sure that I can take having to change doctors again.

My thoughts are scattered so much lately. I am certainly fighting the urge to get lost in my daydreams of unattainable goals. Honestly, if I make it out of this year I will be amazed. Can life really stay bad?

I don’t know how my mom keeps going. She struggles to make everything in her house, and all I do is work against her. The loss of my grandfather left such a huge hole in the family and we have not recovered. Well, this has been good to get some of my thoughts of the day out of my head. This journal thing was a good idea.

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J.E. Skye

Upgrading The Bipolar Writer Blog to Business

I am looking to expand The Bipolar Writer blog to new territories that include having the blog sell books for other artists (if I can make everything work). I am also looking to sell my own book here on my blog. I hate asking for donations but I have to do what I can.

$2.00

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoAaron Burden

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50 Replies to “My Mental Illness Journal”

  1. I really appreciate your willingness to share your dark moment so publicly. I’m still having the dark moments and it is encouraging to know I’m not alone.

  2. Thank you for sharing something so deep. I could relate as well and I know I say this too much but I mean it: You are not alone. Your writings are helping people like me. Thank god you have the gift of writing my friend, don’t give up on life. My brother gave up and I still miss everyday. Stay strong, brother

  3. Thank you for sharing. I have journals from some pretty dark times as well. I’m not even sure I want to read them again much less share them. You are very brave.

      1. Having a goal to share your story down to the grittiest, darkest parts? Hmmm, still sounds brave to me.

  4. Did things get better with your psychiatrist, or did you find a new one? I hope that worked out for you somehow, cuz having good psychiatric services can make a big difference with mental health.

    1. I still have issues with psychiatrists. I been through 4 others since that time. But my therapist has been since then, so I have been getting good help.

  5. I can relate to your journal entries so much. And I commend you for being open about them. Any old journal entries that I have stumbled upon are mostly frightening. Sometimes I’m not even sure that I wrote it. I love your posts. Others that struggle can definitely find comfort in your blog with the fact that they’re not alone. 🙂
    xoxo

    1. Thank you. I don’t mind sharing anymore. It’s a part of my blog. Some of the scarier journal entries are pretty scary. I am saving those for the memoir. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog.

  6. This is weird, I’m a 29 year old aspiring writer who loves rpgs and struggles with bipolar 2. I just started a blog to keep myself accountable and wanted to get more into blogs when I stumbled across this… This is like a mirror image. I commend you and can’t wait to hear more, and thanks for sharing your journey!

  7. I just had a birthday the other day. I realized that I’m pretty close to 40 and when I look over my life I see a roller coaster ride. I journal as well in good and bad times. If you read through them (which I never have, but some trusted people have read pieces) you can see the patterns of the ups and downs. But those things I would never be able to share here or with most anyone. Far too scary for even me to dip back into. Thank you for your willingness to share.

  8. Thanks for sharing your darkest moments. It really puts depression and bipolar disorder into perspective so that it can help for those who don’t understand, understand.

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. It means the world to me. I agree it’s important for people so see the dark side of depression and Bipolar Disorder.

  9. I love how open you are!! I’ve been debating sharing my time in the psych ward. But I think it is a part of healing to share and know we aren’t alone. Thank you for wanting to end the stigmas and raise awareness. We are not alone. And sometimes it feels like even the fullest of rooms we are deathly alone… it’s encouraging to know my “crazy” isn’t that different than others

    1. That is my ultimate goal to end the stigma surrounding mental illnesses. If it means sharing every experience than it’s worth it to share even my bad experiences. Thank you taking the time to read my blog.

  10. I SO appreciate you sharing your experiences. So many reasons for worsening depression are caused by the stigmas surrounding it – cultural, religious, and otherwise. Looking forward to following your blog.

    1. That is what I am working to change the stigma surrounding mental illness. I can share and make mental illness seem as just like having cancer. Its real. Millions of people are suffering. Those who can need to be a voice.

  11. Wow man! I can totally relate!
    I have been there too many times to count.
    I lost my grandfather recently too, and it feels like there is a hole in the family. I mean he was the patriarch for so long, and now there is just a void.
    Thanks for letting me in, I know that it’s not easy for people like us. You gained a new subscriber, and I look forward to reading more!

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