One of the goals of writing my memoir is to share moments of time when I was in the deepest parts of my depression. I often keep a journal of my thoughts during the worst times. I want to present two such journal entries. It was from 2015 on my birthday and three days after.
I was is in a really bad place in April of 2015. It was just before I started seeing my therapist for the first time. The first entry was a late night entry. I had just gotten back from celebrating my birthday, but to be honest, it was just me going through the motions. I will present it as it was written flaws and all. It was the first entry in a new leather back journal that I bought to celebrate my birthday. I also bought myself some books on this trip. The second entry was during the day three days later.
If you have a moment please read my two of blog posts.
Journal Entry April 10, 2015
I really wonder the point. Why am I here? Depression has become such a huge part of my life that in a way it has become me. That really sucks. I have been racking my brain about what a first entry would look like, but all that has filled my mind lately is my depression. So here is all that is on my mind.
I worry that everything in my life is falling apart. But, in reality, the truth is most of my life is constant chaos. Mostly because my life is a mess. My biggest trait in life is that I lie about everything. I tell people that I am okay, but the truth is I am hanging by a thread. I never really got better. It has become so easy to pretend because it has actually gotten worse.
I pretend I want to live when the reality is every night my last thought is that I wish not to wake up. I am falling apart and no one actually knows the truth. My life is about pretending that it could get better. There really is no hope for someone like me. People like me, outsiders, are just that, outside of the normal.
I have lived my life wrong and now I am at the point where all my hope of moving on is gone. I just turned _____ today and I am not looking forward to what is ahead. Honestly, I never thought I would make it to thirty. But, here I am. So here is my first real journal entry in a long time. I am not sure where to go from here, but I will share my thoughts however dark, in this place.
Journal Entry April 13, 2015
I let a few days pass without writing here. I needed the break. Today has been a full day and for tomorrow it is promising to be even more of a full day. I finally finished my short story after failing to even write a word yesterday. I am living in Graceland right now. I am very lucky that my professor gave me yet another extension. Without it, I most likely would have not turned in my paper at all. I need to start from ahead and not behind, and this is a perfect week to do just that.
My psychiatrist decided to flake on me again. I have always had trust issues with letting people in, but my doctor has helped me get more services. I am not sure that I can take having to change doctors again.
My thoughts are scattered so much lately. I am certainly fighting the urge to get lost in my daydreams of unattainable goals. Honestly, if I make it out of this year I will be amazed. Can life really stay bad?
I don’t know how my mom keeps going. She struggles to make everything in her house, and all I do is work against her. The loss of my grandfather left such a huge hole in the family and we have not recovered. Well, this has been good to get some of my thoughts of the day out of my head. This journal thing was a good idea.
Upgrading The Bipolar Writer Blog to Business
I am looking to expand The Bipolar Writer blog to new territories that include having the blog sell books for other artists (if I can make everything work). I am also looking to sell my own book here on my blog. I hate asking for donations but I have to do what I can.