This is the fourth edition of my mental illness/Bipolar journals that I have written over the years. Eventually the best of these journals will make their way to my memoir. I want to share two post. One from October 4, 2015. Most of these journal posts are hand written, but I will re-write them as is. The second is a more recent from April 2017.
Before that please check out my past journal entries.
October 4, 2015
Today was one of those days where I feel like going backwards not forward. I tried, I really did. I mean I got up with every intentention of getting things done, but for the most part this day has been one of those days where everything is backwards. I could’t focus for more than a few minutes. It was as if I was there but not really.
It’s like being in my body but somewhere else. It’s weird to say that but it’t true. That happens a lot, at least enough to make me think that I am not really here and sometimes it scares me. That I am just going through the motions of life. It is like that sometimes when I just muddle through my life hoping that things will get better when they don’t. I guess today is just one of those days. I hate days like this, it just might be an early bedtime for me.
At least I have this journal to get things together when it comes to my thoughts. I guess in some way it helps me, but in other ways it makes me think that I am losing my mind. Maybe I lost my mind a long time ago. I mean I am still here stuck in this weird rut that has lasted well over a year. It never really ends. I just get lost in this endless loop that plays over and over. When the good days are outweighed by the bad, how can one not go insane. So here I am, writing my thoughts in every way possible. If any of this makes sense to me one day I think that will amaze me. There is not much space left to write so I guess that I will stop writing for today.
April 26, 2017
I am starting a new chapter in my life, one where I worry less about the little things, and focus on the here and now. It has been almost two months since I was in the hospital with bleeding ulcers. If I were only dealing with that, I might be able to deal. There is so much more going on.
My anxiety has hit new levels recently. I spend most of my day worrying about things that haven’t happen yet. I feel anxious that once again I will be denied social security even though I desperately need it. It is all that has been on my mind lately. I haven’t worked in ten years and I am starting to feel the effects of it.
I thought taking a semester off would really help me recover, but I got sick twice during the last 6-7 weeks and the rest of the time I spent playing a useless video game and binge watching shows.
Now I’m scrambling to find my focus as my final week and a half is coming to a close, and my next class is on the horizon. I have refocused this week by cleaning and organizing my room. I have cleaned space on my computer desk and added a television/monitor to help with my productivity when I am writing.
I want to end this journal entry on a more positive note. It has been over a year since my last entry into this journal. From today I plan on writing everyday or as much as possible. I need to record my thoughts everyday. Here is to the future.
There is good and bad to everyday. I got some things done and didn’t get things done. It’s life. This is the first week that I have started to be productive in quite a few weeks. A week and a half is a long time until I start school back up, but there is still hope that things will right itself again. There will always be the doubt buried deep in my mind, but negativity has never gotten me anywhere good. My best bet is to log my thoughts each day and stay focused.
James Edgar Skye
Photo Credit: unsplash-logoAli Gooya