Excuse me and my sudden blog lapse. I can’t make promises and in fact, I won’t. Ever. (except when I tell my dogs I’ll be back) This sounds melodramatic but hey we are all entitled to a bit of exaggeratory language if only to make life more exciting.
But let’s get real, I used to over promise and I wouldn’t under produce I’d just break every bone in my body to make sure I kept it. As one can imagine this wore me down and the spiral to the bottom began. Or maybe I’ve always been spiraling. That’s for another time.
I want to make a point to tie in my mental illness with each post so forgive me for the redundancy, but also you can just stop reading. It’s a free country or so we like to boast.
I have decided that making plans is not my forte, this, of course, causes problems with friends, family, and God forbid the outside working world. You know the one where you make commitments and if you don’t follow through then you are through, so to speak.
The reason I hesitate with long-term commitment *cough, cough romantic relationships* and even weekend plans is that I quite honestly don’t know how I will feel. OK, OK calm down my critics.
To some extent, we all fear the uncertainty of the future and I really can’t claim to be exclusive with the relationship part, however, with a mood disorder it is at times overwhelming when plans, even tentative plans are made. I have adopted the oh so loving title of the flake. That friend you can’t count on to physically be there. That friend who you see active on social media the day you two were meant to hang out.
Some of you may be saying “alright way to hide behind your mental illness,” and to some extent you’re right. My anxiety levels shoot through the roof and the mere idea of being around people makes my stomach drop or the energy it requires to get out the front door has escaped. Trust me when I say it is something I have gotten better about and I even did speak word for the first time a year ago in April. The point is I make the effort but I am also realistic with myself and with others.
My friends know I would prefer a text or call and if we both happen to be free then so be it. Ever since I moved 8 hours away from my hometown this doesn’t exactly work anymore. Go figure. A few of my friends have visited and obviously, plans were made. I’m not supporting the idea of complete isolation because let’s face it, that would only exasperate the problems.
All in all, it’s about being honest with the people you care about. Some friends still struggle with this. I understand and I don’t get upset, I listen and I explain my side while taking into account theirs. Do what you need to, to be healthy. Those who can’t accept who you are, aren’t the people you want in your life. We can only give so much of ourselves and I don’t know about you but broken bones, even figuratively speaking, suck.