My Depression is Not My Story

I’ve been blogging for about 2 weeks now, and things are going well. Not just with my blog, but also my life. I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember, lets say since around 10 or 11 years old. For the longest time, I knew that I was different than the other children that I was at school with, but i didn’t know exactly why I didn’t fit in. Believe me I tried, very hard to fit in. I would drive my parents nuts with buying new clothes, or shoes, thinking that the way I dressed would make people like me. Depression drove me to a point where I no longer thought that I had any value as a human being. So I did what everyone else does when their self-esteem is shot, I looked for the approval of others to value myself.


I was an incredibly bright child, and I really am not bragging, I was just genuinely smart. I wouldn’t need to need to study when it came to my tests, I would just listen to the teacher during the lessons, and that would be enough. A teacher of mine actually believed that I had ADD in 3rd grade, and she could be right. I mean I don’t think that my parents ever had me checked, as my father didn’t really believe in those type of problems. He was a very “rub some dirt in it” kind of person, and I really think that it may be why I never went to a doctor to confirm if I had ADD. Back to fitting in, I was never one of the popular kids, I wasn’t good looking enough, my parents were not rich enough, I wasn’t really social enough anyway (more on that later).


It was probably around High School where I knew, deep down, that I was depressed. I think for the most part, I was oblivious to it before then, because it hadn’t affected my life yet. I was just generally sad, less social, my memory started getting fuzzy, I wouldn’t do my homework, I was a total mess. But like I said, I don’t think I realized what was going on until I was in High School. At that point, I knew that i wasn’t going to fit in, and so I stopped caring about what I wore, how I looked, at this point I had even stopped showering everyday, because I just couldn’t care less. I was playing football at the time, and although you would think that it would be a source of camaraderie, and a place to practice my social skills, I was heavily bullied by upperclassmen. This was probably around the time where internet bullying was really picking up steam, and to be honest, I probably would have prefered to be bullied online. What most people don’t see these days is the physical, in your face, kind of bullying. I imagine it is still as rampant as online bullying, but its not really in the limelight as the cyber variety is. Truth be told, I was already getting bullied by older kids starting around 5th grade. Now keep in mind I was already almost 6 feet tall at that age, and contrary to what you’re thinking, my size didn’t protect me at all. In highschool that was even less the case, as most people were larger than me, or stronger in the case of the football team. There was even one point where one of my “teammates” tackled me to the ground and started punching me in the facemask (not a really smart move I know) and just kept going at it until he was pulled off by other players. I don’t really think that I did anything in particular to upset him, but then again, he just didn’t like me at all. It’s crazy, because I know that they used to say and do really hurtful things, and I don’t really remember any of it.


I think that the first time I thought about suicide was probably around Freshmen year of High School, as I said I was already heavily bullied at the time. I had joined the football team, which had only added to my misery, my grades were falling exponentially, I was just generally falling apart. I even remember I had lost the 2 friends I had in middle school for whatever reason, and I just felt alone. I was not sleeping well, was eating too much, as I mentioned not showering, it was a really rough time for me. It wasn’t until my Junior (3rd) year of High School that I had really hit rock bottom. Now, I had already attempted suicide twice by then, and really hadn’t thought it through. I know that sounds awful, but my first 2 attempts, I did absolutely no planning. They were honestly a more spur of the moment kind of thing, with a handful of various pills I had stashed away over a few months. But this Junior year attempt, that was absolutely planned out to the nth degree. It may sound strange, but I was sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch when I had decided that I was going to die that night. Looking back on it I can’t even really describe what the cause was for that sudden change in thought.


Needless to say, I survived. Although I wasn’t exactly happy about it then, I can genuinely say that I am glad not to be dead. I’m still not happy to be alive, but I feel that’s normal for someone who has been depressed for so long. I am sharing my story to inspire others to reach out for help before they have to experience what I did. That the mental health system has improved so much since that first day I was introduced into it. There are two things that I want to leave you with as I end this article the first being that Suicide does not end your pain, it simply gives it to those who love you; secondly dying is really quite easy, it’s living that is hard. If there is anything I can confidently say about everyone with depression, it would be that we are tough as nails. So keep your heads up, thank you for reading my story, and remember: Nothing very good, or very bad, lasts very long.




38 Replies to “My Depression is Not My Story”

  1. I loved that line about how suicide does not end the pain, it just passes it off to people that love us. That was pretty damn deep. It sucks because you want to not be in pain anymore, because you know it keeps cycling through. You have a good few days each month where you are like “Oh, this is what it feels like to be normal” and then you get punched in the face by depression. We are tough. We fight every single day to be alive. And we get to have a different appreciation for the good times, and that’s pretty darn awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I could not have said that better myself. Depression when you think about it, gives its victim a very elegant way of thinking when it comes to the good times. Then like you said, a big ole punch to the face brings us right back down. I’m glad you enjoyed it


  2. Thank you for sharing! I can totally relate! I have a theory that people with high intelligence get depressed because they see the world in a deeper way to everyone else and feel things deeply and passionately. X

    Liked by 2 people

  3. We really are a very strong bunch! I tell myself that every day I fight the temptation to put an end to everything, which on bad times can pretty much be every day. Thanks for sharing your story.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I appreciated your honesty and sensed a pretty good tone in your writing. I suspect your doing better than you think and appear to be on the right path. My hat is off to you and look forward to reading more of your stuff.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. “Suicide does not end your pain, it simply gives it to those who love you”. I need to remember that. Thank you for sharing your story. Keep fighting.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hello there. Whatever you are feeling right now, you don’t have to go through it alone. I am here for in case if you want to talk about it. If have been depressed since you were young. Its okay. Only way you can get out of this is by overcoming it. You have to fight and don’t let it take control of you. Don’t let it win. Please be strong. Contact me anytime if you want to talk. I’m going through it myself and I know how it feels like 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks for sharing. I want to point out something from ur article. U write that u dont like the feeling that you are alive. I too feel the same way. Neither dying nor living makes me feel better. I cant die you know. I hve tried many times

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Right now m engulfed by the ambiguous fog of depression. My biggest worry, at this moment, is that i dont know what my future will be like. I have got exams coming up and i most certainly am sure that i vl fail.
        Thanks for replying

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have very often felt that way, there are some times that I still feel that way. The best thing I can recommend is to try to see a psychiatrist and explore medication as an option. It’s currently working incredibly well for me, and it may be just what you need to start living in the moment rather than worrying about the future. It’s really the only way I was able to.


  8. Hey,
    I just think you are a great writer/blogger and ‘ve been meaning to mention this for a long time :). I am a female and I am 14 and to me it seems like anxiety is starting to define me (I don’t want it to). In my journals I often refer to it as a person calling it he or she and ever since at school’ home, etc, everyday it start to consume me more and more. The reason I follow your blog is because I wanted to hear/ read about someone who was getting through it. I really enjoy reading your blog; you are a great person.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. This is a really open and relatable post…depression can be unrelenting,debilitating and just an all round pain in the a*s to oversimplify it…you’re so right with what you said at the end though, it’s harder to live, and it’s harder to fight, but there will be a point when it passes, and you are and will be all the more stronger for that x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It can be very isolating, especially when you see those around you living without mental illness. The whole reason I started writing was to create a community of people to help eachother with these feelings


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