Sorry, That Doesn’t Fit With my Schedule

daniel-monteiro-313651I am in the throes of a manic episode and I sat in the psychiatrist’s office this morning sharing with her how frustrated that I was.  Two weeks ago, we increased the Lithium and decreased the Wellbutrin to help diminish the panic attacks while driving, but that led to depression.  Late last week we reintroduced the Wellbutrin due to the depression.  Within a few days, I went from a depressed sloth to being equivalent to a child who just visited Grandma’s house and ingested their weight in sugar.  Although incredibly productive, while manic, I don’t like how I feel; the shaking on the inside, the inability to sit still, the thoughts racing through my head like they are on the autobahn.

I told my doctor this morning that I was mad, pissed was the exact word.  I let her know that all of this, referring to the anxiety, depression and the mania, doesn’t work with my schedule.  I have a job where I am relied on heavily.  I am a partner and stepmother and have responsibilities at home that I tend to.  I am a college student and am in the middle of a challenging semester.  There is no room to have instability.

This has me thinking.  Is there a reason why now, after months and months of stability, that I am having issues?  Is there some kind of special meaning behind this?  Is this the world telling me I need to slow down?  What hidden meaning am I missing?

Being where I am right now, I am diving into meditation, guided practices, mindfulness, yoga and exercising in attempts to quiet my mind and body.  The addition of these activities provides an enormous amount of self-care into my routine, which was lacking in the past.  Could this be the silver lining?

Self-care is so incredibly important.  When we nourish our minds and bodies they are in a much better place to care for us.  There are so many things/activities/acts that can qualify for self-care.  Wearing a nice dress and doing your makeup.  Getting a message.  Going for a walk.  Making a good, nutritious dinner.  Taking a shower.  All these things count as self-care.

Much like when you are on an airplane and they instruct you that in the case of an emergency, to apply the oxygen masks to yourself first, and then assist others that may be in need.  This is the same with self-care, you need to care for yourself first, so you are capable and doing for others at a later point and time.

Perhaps this period of instability was brought about because I needed to spend more time caring for myself in ways that directly benefit the overall well being of my body.  That would make total sense.  My body was reaching out and letting me know what it needed and wanted, although I wish it had a different way to send such messages like a text message would be way more convenient than volleying between depression and mania, I guess I will take what I am given.

Today I will meditate on the fact that this is temporary, and it will pass.  I will give thanks for the support network that I have in place.  Knowing that this is Bipolar brings comfort as for so many years prior I would go through these shifts and have no idea what was going on. Having the education now brings me a sense of peace.

May you see the silver lining in whatever you are going through today.

Sprinkled Cupcakes and Fairy Dust,


12 Replies to “Sorry, That Doesn’t Fit With my Schedule”

    1. Thank you. I was very lucky to be able to meet with my psychiatrist yesterday and we tweaked my meds and today is a much better day. I hiked this morning and am able to return to work. I really appreciate the prayers

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Sometimes self-care is the very thing we need and the very thing we forget to or do not want to do (at least for me anyway). It’s great you’re stopping to evaluate and adjust. You are listening to yourself and doing what you need to do. Glad you’re feeling better today.


  2. Halfway through reading this blog, I thought, “My word, she has so much going on.” As a woman who has suffered from depression, anxiety and CPTSD I can say that I totally relate to every word of your well written piece. I am in the midst of a Lyme recurrence, and baby girl, let me tell you-I was ready to move into the Witness Protection Program just 5 minutes ago. I was writing, taking care of the house and chores on the farm, hiking four miles a day, volunteering in the local ER, and working at church every other week. Add to that my dog and 14 cats (most outside) and awful family drama -it never ends 🙂 So, when I noticed a painful and swollen lymph node last week, I froze in panic. Depressed and anxious, I fell into a funk. Six weeks off of work, and curtailed outdoor activities. Just shoot me, I thought. But, just like you, I always look for a hidden meaning in everything. Long story short? God wants my ass in rest mode, and there is nothing I can do about it. I think He might be hinting the same thing to you sweet one~

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi! I do feel like there is a reason I am where I am, and like you stated perhaps it’s God’s way of trying to get my attention… i do keep myself busy (always have) and it is hard to determine if that is just me, or the disorder… I will send positive energy your way for your newly identified condition. I hope that you are able to identify at least one positive a day… my therapist has me keep a positives log where I am supposed to log three positives a day… some days my biggest positive is that i showered AND washed my hair… but when I am focusing on the positives there’s less room for the depression and negative thinking. Thank you for taking the time to read my article. I hope your day is blessed and glorious!


  3. I love this entry because I can relate to it so well. As a girl in her 20’s I am still in the throes of trying to figure out with my doctors a correct diagnosis. I’ve been diagnosed previously with major depression, manic depression/bipolar, to recurrent depression and anxiety, and we still question BPD. Like you, I am on Wellbutrin which gave me such positive effects when I started.
    From your description, its hard to label mania when I am in the midst of it because I get so much accomplished and only imagine that this is what “normal” people feel like. I’ve realized that these periods of instability will often come and go and maybe we just need a rest.
    I applaud you for your practices in mindfulness, focus, and meditation. These are things that could be beneficial, especially to myself, but it is difficult to quiet my mind.
    I really admire the way you see and work with your diagnosis, as well as how transparent you are about the subject.


    1. Hello! I will pray that you get answers to the questions that you have so you are able to get the treatment that you need to live a balanced life. It took 15 years and a hysterectomy for them to finally diagnosis me as Bipolar One with mixed episode. I just went through another mixed episode over this last two weeks. I have a co-worker who is also Bipolar and our manias are different. I think there are some similarities for all people, but I believe that each person is unique. I have always been higher energy (since a child) so when I hit mania some of my friends think I am just the most fun person in the world. But inside I know, I am losing it. Guided meditations help me to redirect my brain (the last two days have been super super tough though) and each time my brain drifts I redirect it back to what I want it to focus on. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope that you have an amazing day!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This entry is very relatable to me. Especially today when I was too exhausted to shower in the morning and went off to work and no one noticed! Self-care is important and I try to push for it daily, even if there are days like today that I fail. Keep on keeping on.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope you gave yourself credit for going to work, especially being so exhausted. That is amazing movement in the right direction. I would challenge you not to consider today a fail, no shower, but you went to work. You succeeded!!! Continue to press on. Fit in self care when you are able. And don’t forget to love yourself, that’s such a great gift and it costs nothing and doesn’t use too many “spoons”. I hope your day was blessed and that there were moments of sunshine and happiness within it.


    1. I really appreciate it!! Today is a better day… a little hungover from the change in medication, but not manic, so I count that as a win. I hope that you are able to find answers to your questions (I am still searching). And that you obtain peace through the process. You’ve got this, don’t forget it!

      Liked by 1 person

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