I am in the throes of a manic episode and I sat in the psychiatrist’s office this morning sharing with her how frustrated that I was. Two weeks ago, we increased the Lithium and decreased the Wellbutrin to help diminish the panic attacks while driving, but that led to depression. Late last week we reintroduced the Wellbutrin due to the depression. Within a few days, I went from a depressed sloth to being equivalent to a child who just visited Grandma’s house and ingested their weight in sugar. Although incredibly productive, while manic, I don’t like how I feel; the shaking on the inside, the inability to sit still, the thoughts racing through my head like they are on the autobahn.
I told my doctor this morning that I was mad, pissed was the exact word. I let her know that all of this, referring to the anxiety, depression and the mania, doesn’t work with my schedule. I have a job where I am relied on heavily. I am a partner and stepmother and have responsibilities at home that I tend to. I am a college student and am in the middle of a challenging semester. There is no room to have instability.
This has me thinking. Is there a reason why now, after months and months of stability, that I am having issues? Is there some kind of special meaning behind this? Is this the world telling me I need to slow down? What hidden meaning am I missing?
Being where I am right now, I am diving into meditation, guided practices, mindfulness, yoga and exercising in attempts to quiet my mind and body. The addition of these activities provides an enormous amount of self-care into my routine, which was lacking in the past. Could this be the silver lining?
Self-care is so incredibly important. When we nourish our minds and bodies they are in a much better place to care for us. There are so many things/activities/acts that can qualify for self-care. Wearing a nice dress and doing your makeup. Getting a message. Going for a walk. Making a good, nutritious dinner. Taking a shower. All these things count as self-care.
Much like when you are on an airplane and they instruct you that in the case of an emergency, to apply the oxygen masks to yourself first, and then assist others that may be in need. This is the same with self-care, you need to care for yourself first, so you are capable and doing for others at a later point and time.
Perhaps this period of instability was brought about because I needed to spend more time caring for myself in ways that directly benefit the overall well being of my body. That would make total sense. My body was reaching out and letting me know what it needed and wanted, although I wish it had a different way to send such messages like a text message would be way more convenient than volleying between depression and mania, I guess I will take what I am given.
Today I will meditate on the fact that this is temporary, and it will pass. I will give thanks for the support network that I have in place. Knowing that this is Bipolar brings comfort as for so many years prior I would go through these shifts and have no idea what was going on. Having the education now brings me a sense of peace.
May you see the silver lining in whatever you are going through today.
Sprinkled Cupcakes and Fairy Dust,