What’s Going on in “My Social Anxiety Life” This Week
What a difference a turn of a month can be in what I like to call my social anxiety life. I was doing so well since my change in Ativan in early December. Two months in and I was on a rollercoaster that only goes up (guess what novel I just read?) But it has been a struggle this past two weeks with my social anxiety.
I wanted to update since last weeks panic attack from hell. It really was one I thought would never end. But like all things it eventually went way, the only thing is it started something worse. Then over the past week, I have seen major increases in my anxiety.
On my scale that use daily to track my anxiety, in January I was in the 3-4 range most days. This past week I have 7-8 at some point in my day. It’s been so bad I have been tracking where my anxiety has been every few hours.
My Ativan dosage that I was so sure of in December seems as if it is not enough again. I am trying to find what works in my social anxiety life so that I can leave my house more than a couple of times a week. My livelihood kinda depends on it.
Here is what I have learned so far these past weeks.
My worst anxiety happens between 4-7 pm. It seems to hit its peak during this time. I can feel the anxiety start to consume my body. I start to lose feeling in my hands. I can feel myself on the edge of hyperventilation. It sucks because it has been just about every day with these feelings without much change. I look up from my writing or studying and it’s always around 4pm when it starts. If I take an Ativan it usually subsides.
This is known.
I take 1mg of Ativan in the morning. Another 1mg at or around 4pm. I take another 2mg at night around 9pm. That is what was working for me since December. My night anxiety/panic attacks has all but gone away and been replaced with midday panic attacks. Yet I still struggle with my 4-7 pm anxiety.
I was thinking of changing my dosage and take 1mg in the morning and 1mg at night. I can change my 2mg dosage for my 4-7 pm time period. That could be the adjustment that can change things around again. I see my therapist later this afternoon around 3:30 so I can try it now, and see what happens.
I have been leaving my house very little. Only once this week, on Tuesday was I able to leave my house. The last time before this past Wednesday or Thurday was when I had my the worst panic attack of my life. That’s a lot of time stuck in my safe place. I thought this was the year I fight this social anxiety, but it’s proving the ever difficult opponent.
At least there is a positive this week.
I am getting back to my CBT training at my first therapist appointment of 2018. It has been rough because my last appointment was in December. It’s like an eternity in therapy time. It wasn’t all my fault. First my therapist was sick, and then I was sick. Then we played phone tag for week. What is worse is we haven’t moved forward with my CBT training since October after I started my bad stretch of anxiety in November of last year. The reality that almost three months since I worked on my CBT could be a telling sign that things are spiraling because I am missing so much therapy time.
For me therapy is very important and thought I didn’t start this year off right in that regard, I can still move forward. It’s early. I have to many things ahead of me to let my social anxiety take over my life again.
I started 2018 with the singular goal of conquering my social anxiety, and that is still the goal. I will keep fighting for social anxiety life.
Always keep fighting.