I often have some down time where I think about the future. Not just the future of The Bipolar Writer, this blog and my memoir, but the where I go from my current problems. My inner fears start of cause real doubts in my mind, even if they are just temporary.
It’s my natural instinct to believe that the future is murky at best. I have plans. I have goals. For the first time it seems more like a reality that I will be able to reach those goals. But there is part of me, and I don’t know how strong that part is anymore, that worries that my future is an increase in my depression and anxiety.
I have never had a year that started this well. It’s usually April or May before I get my year together and start being a productive member of society. At this time last year I was about a week or so out of the hospital for my bleeding ulcers, and I was in the throes of really horrible anxiety. This year, the anxiety is still here but I am working towards better management.
My self-doubts are an all too common and familiar part of my mental illness. When things have gone too good in the past it was precursor to a major shift in the wrong direction. It’s not healthy to wait for the other shoe to drop, but to be fair, my history is stacked against me.
I have felt really worn this past few weeks like a rubber band that is stretched too thin. I am starting to wake up everyday more tired than when I went to sleep.
I am hopeful for the future. I have had enough bad over the last ten years to last me a lifetime. I can only go up right? I think these feelings come because I am on the tail end of another tough semester. I have closer than ever to finally getting my degree within the next few months.
It has been such a hard-fought journey I don’t want to give it up to my illness like I have done so many times in my life. I am much stronger now than in my past. I have been working towards my goals of 2018 and it looks good. Still I worry.
Maybe it’s not the best thing for my mental health, but worrying is a part of me. I have too much in my past not to worry.
It’s a new week though and that means new chances to keep moving forward. I have finals over the next two weeks so that should keep me busy. I am close to finishing a really important freelance project which has been lucrative and it helps with my publishing goals of my memoir.
I am weary but I am also hopeful. I wanted 2018 to be the year I don’t let depression and anxiety rule my life. For the most part that has been true. So here is to a great week from The Bipolar Writer. Let’s make this week the best ever in 2018.
James Edgar Skye
Photo Credit:unsplash-logoKyle Johnson