12:15 am

A little background on 12:15 am. I wrote this at on April 29th of 2017 during one of my worst panic attacks of my life. This “poem” is just my thoughts during this event as it pertains to anxiety and panic attacks. It was tough because I was restless and anxious, so it was hard to stay still. I wrote half of it in my room and the other half outside in the darkness of the early morning. At the start, I was in full panic attack mode and I had just taken an Ativan. This panic attack required more than one Ativan that time. By the end, the panic attack iwore me out beyond compare.

Enjoy, and please Always Keep Fighting.

12:15 am by James Edgar Skye

It’s 12:15 in the morning.

My mind is racing and

I can feel my panic rising.

Shallow and slow, I can’t catch my breath.

Restlessness. A feeling of unease.

My hands start to tingle, numbness takes over.

I pace. Take a drink of water—

then begin to pace again.

I must stay inside, no— I can’t.

I must go outside.

My mind races faster, Will I run out of breath?

How do I control this feeling of helplessness?

I overthink. Please stop!

Then again, I over think. And again.

I overthink.

I lose control and the only way back,

is it this tiny white pill in my hand?

My salvation.

God, I want to sleep.

There is so much to do tomorrow.

Finally. I’m in control again.

Anxiety, why do you control me so?

It’s over for now.

Upgrading The Bipolar Writer Blog to Business

I am looking to expand The Bipolar Writer blog to new territories that include having the blog sell books for other artists (if I can make everything work). I am also looking to sell my own book here on my blog. I hate asking for donations but I have to do what I can.

$2.00

Photo Credit:unsplash-logoTyson Dudley

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19 Replies to “12:15 am”

      1. And I make sure I use it for panic attacks. Just like you. That is what this medication is for, a life saver in my book. And for you James… it is a tool we can use!~Kim

  1. The story of your fight with sleep (or your friendship with insomnia) is so familiar… maybe because I have had the same fight/friendship since I was little.

      1. its motivational to see that someone has walk down this difficult terrain before me. ur stories give me confidence that it will all be better one day and that I am not alone.

  2. Felt this too many times. Glad you pulled through and that you have an outlet in writing. Some people I talk to are envious that I write away the pain, and I just can’t see how people don’t do it. I guess it’s not something everyone can do. I feel for them. Great post.

    1. It can be hard to get to this point where you can share your pain. A year ago I could never go it, but the last six months I have opened up my whole life.

  3. You are so courageous to share your story. Been there so many times. I try to keep it “secret” because I hate having someone ask “what do you have anxiety over?” I can’t explain it. Sometimes they come right out of the blue. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack because my heart is beating so hard. Insomnia makes it worse. Someone mentioned to me that I always seem paranoid. I don’t know. I know I’m extremely observant of my surroundings.

  4. Hi James, this can’t be easy but keep sharing. For what it is worth, I feel the hightened sense of awareness is part of your creativity…use it to your advantage!
    Two strong sentences stand out for me in your post…’I lose control’ and ‘Finally. I’m in control again’…what would happen if you could accept the feeling, if you could let go and ride the wave? Check out Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘A New Earth’ pg.165…”All I’m asking is that you find out whether it is possible for you to allow those feelings to be there…..” read on it is a great book, worth reading!

  5. Dear James, just to say that I value your blog so much, it’s amazing what you’re doing here. Full of risk, and the payoff is great, for so many of us who suffer this similar road. Gracias.

  6. “I must stay inside, no— I can’t.
    I must go outside.”

    I thought it was just me, my weirdness. I have the overwhelming need to not be ‘here’, but it expresses as a suicidal thought when I say it out loud. But I mean I just want to be…somewhere….not here…

    I do a lot of random driving. I’ve driven from England to Scotland in the middle of the night, just to ‘not be here’.

    Thank you for beautifully and succinctly compressing the feelings to 2 lines so perfectly, encompassing so many emotions. X

    1. Thank you for reading my blog and specifically this poem. I do random driving too it helps clears the mind. I haven’t done it as much lately because of the way my anxiety has been. But I do know the effects driving for long periods of time can have of the psyche.

  7. this is so scary no matter how many times it happens to you and expect..

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