Compromise? I won’t compromise my health.
I used to shift myself into all sorts of uncomfortable positions in some vain attempt to appease others. Though, now I fear I am watching as the people I love pretzel themselves in acrobatic swings and dives just so I don’t have to go out of my way or what? be inconvenienced?
I never want to be a burden but by default I think that is exactly what I have become.
Because after all don’t we all want to be the laid back friend/s/o? The one who is easy-going and rides the wave of life or whatever. Is ready at a moments notice, only takes a moment to collect themselves and does more for others.
How is it that I have spent the majority of my life listening to, helping out, pouring myself into the ones I care about and now somehow it feels like it all meant nothing?
The moment I relaxed my muscles and eased my mind I felt an immediate wave of guilt and I thought to myself is this the wave of life crashing down on me? some not so gentle reminder I am putting too much energy into my happiness at the expense of meaningful relationships?
I guess this becomes a matter of embracing myself but what if I don’t like the person I am forced to bear hug? What if I rather do that awkward sort of stranger hug, y’know the one. The uncomfortable bend at the waist so you don’t come into actual contact accompanied with the limp pat on the shoulder. The most unenthusiastic and passive embrace.
It’s paradoxical really. I like things a certain way and I thrive in very particular circumstances and environments. Yet I don’t like myself based off of the knowledge (assumption) others don’t like the high maintenance Cheyenne, the one who pretends she is low maintenance because to admit otherwise would mean defeat. In other words I care too much about what others think because my life has become consumed only with what I want/ what works best for me.
I am insecure and ashamed of my selfishness and self-centeredness yet I won’t compromise my health because I know what happens when I do.
Honestly, I know I am being hard on myself but without this intense introspection I think I would totally lose myself. I am deathly afraid I will lose people because I am not intelligent enough to draw realistic boundaries.
I am deathly afraid of losing myself because at times my mental illness feels all-consuming.
p.s. I apologize for the dreariness of this post. It will pass. I am doing OK, it’s snowing outside and I have a delicious cup of coffee. Sending you all my best.