The biggest fear that I have in this life, is waking up on my deathbed, and realizing it wasn’t worth it. That all these years I have lived have been a waste of time. That I should have ended it may years ago. I am so terrified that my life will mean nothing, that I have given up on living. Not in the context that it sounds, but rather given up on hope, joy, attaining my dreams, love. I am too scared that if I try and fail at these things, that it will be worse that never have experienced them.
I know that this sounds incredibly immature, as well as in direct contradiction to my article about failure, Why You Need to Fail, In Order to Succeed, but I did mention that failure scares me to an immense extent. Also, I think it’s time to stop seeing myself as this wise old man, that I might become some day, and look at myself for who I really am. Some guy in his 20’s that is never going to make it into the history books, will deal with mental illness all my life, and am currently very immature. Agreed that I might be wiser than most my age, because I feel that people with mental illness live many lifetimes in a short span of time.
Life is just this long journey where some lose their way. I most certainly am amongst the lost in that I have no idea what the future holds. I know that is actually not possible to know the future, and even if I did, it would create so many paradoxes, or maybe not depending on how you look at the future. Yet, it would still take so much of this anxiety that I feel away. I wouldn’t have to worry about getting a house, starting a family, being a good father, getting a great job, making enough money to pay the bills, the list is endless. I would have to worry about any of these things because I would know if they happened or not, and could give up on the things that just won’t happen.
Unfortunately, life is not as kind to let us know how it unfolds. That’s doubly unfair on those with mental illness. We got the short straw in life, and the odds are entirely stacked against us. I know that this defeatist attitude is solely the fault of my depression, but it still just makes sense that there are some things that are unobtainable. I want to make it clear, that I’m still doing well with medication, not as well as I had hoped, but still better than not on them. However, I feel that if I write from the heart, and from my head, it’s inevitable that some of the depression and anxiety works its way in. I feel that this makes my writing feel more genuine, and I hope that you share the same feelings.
If I can sum up the ramblings of a mad man that you just read, it would be to go for your dreams. While I’m here spewing negativity, you most certainly can achieve whatever you want. Despite its best attempts, my depression cannot convince me that I will fail in life. For as I’ve said before, failure is just the building blocks for success. I hope that all of you, as well as myself, can get the most that this one life has to offer. While I can promise you it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows, the highs and lows are unavoidable. So take solace that the lows give so much more authenticity to the highs, where as the highs let you know you have something to look forward to in the lows. Above all, take everything with a grain of salt, meaning you only have so much time on this earth, only focus on the important things and forget the rest.