It’s been another week working towards my goal of figuring out this social anxiety life that I live. I moved forward in some ways and I still have a long way to go before things get better.
I know that I am just beginning of working on my social anxiety, but I take notice of the wins and losses when it comes to my social anxiety. I started my week off with a lot of work. I had finals this week and I have a short turnaround for my next semester. So I made the decision last week to front-load my week so that I can take some much needed time off for the remainder of my week.
Part One – A Meeting and my Social Anxiety Life
I had a meeting this week with a client that went quite well. It was tough. I took a single dosage of 1mg of Ativan to start my meeting. I am not going to lie. My anxiety was at a high level before I even got there. I knew this meeting would be a long but important one that I had to power through.
I ended having to take a second 1mg dosage of Ativan due to the meeting being long. It was tough. My impulse was to run. I had not spent more than two or three hours outside of my house over the past few weeks. My thoughts consumed me, it was as if I could feel the tension. Old thoughts of my past came up and though I was focused on the task at hand, I could feel my thoughts shifting to thoughts of panic attacks.
My thoughts became lost. I could feel the panic rising and I had to more than once get up before it consumed me. I made reasons to go to the bathroom so that I could rinse my face and refocus. I could feel a tingle at the tips of my hands but it never consumed my hands.
Eventually, I calmed down enough so that I could get through my meeting. I remember when I got home I felt so tired. Exhaustion usually comes along with my social anxiety. After a long day, I just needed to lay down and exhale. I truly felt like moving forward I could get through anything.
Part Two – A Saturday With Anxiety
I had an interesting Saturday that I wanted to share because it relates to my social anxiety. I think I figured a trigger in my life. I am very attached to my Ativan, I never do very well when my “supply” is running low. I worry about it and I stress way too much about.
I get medication delivered. Earlier in the week, I made sure that my pharmacist knew I would run out of Ativan at the end of the week. I thought everything was fine, so when the package came I didn’t open it right away. I figured all my medication would be there.
When I opened it Saturday I began to panic when my Ativan was missing. I called my pharmacy and made sure that they would have it available to pick up that day but my anxiety was already high. I wasn’t sure I could even drive. I took my main dosage of 2mg of Ativan. I knew I had an hour to get myself mentally prepared, but to be honest it didn’t really help.
But I had to keep moving. I got into my car. I could feel myself on the edge of a panic attack. I took second Ativan pill because to help because I could feel myself on edge. I did what I could, it sounds silly but chewing gum helps. I could feel every minute passing me by slowly. I thought at three different times that I would have to pull over and let my passenger drive.
I made it to the pharmacy. I got my new prescription. A strange serenity came over me the moment I had my medication in hand. I knew for the next month I would have my Ativan always within reach. I could feel the panic attack lifting and I could refocus my energy. I was able to go to the store.
It’s a strange thing. So much of my social anxiety life revolves around IF I will have enough Ativan to get through my day. I get so lost in what works and what doesn’t work for me. There has to be something in that, the control that Ativan seems to have over my life. I have an upcoming appointment with my therapist that I would like to discuss this subject with her. I can’t be defined by medication.
My social anxiety life is always complicated but I am going to keep fighting. Always.