Thoughts of a Depressed Mind #2

The thought that often plagues me, is what is life, really? There are almost 8 billion human beings on this planet, and countless other living things. Life is such a fragile construct. You are born, you live, and you die, by old age if you’re lucky. These things that whiz into my head that are barely there long enough to get them written down. Tackling the biggest question here, really high aspirations, I know. I just can’t help but wonder why am I here. Why was I birthed to my parents when I could have been any number of other children born. Why was I born into such a broken body, with an equally fractured mind.

Why do I want to die?

That really isn’t the right question.

Why do I not want to live?

Why do I so desperately want to fight what I am designed to do, what billions have done before me? It is this question that keeps me up at night, which as you all probably know drives me further into this darkness. I can honestly say that I don’t understand life, or living, on any level. It just seems so painful and pointless. Now I’m not thinking of ending my own life, that’s not something that I can do, no matter how badly it calls to me. Yet, it still puzzles me. Why would anyone voluntarily decide to live. To others my way of thinking might seem strange, even scary or dangerous. However, I pose the question, why do they think their way is right? Weren’t we given this mental ability so that we question everything around us? Why is not wanting to live such a strange thing? It will always baffle me I’m afraid. As even though I plan to live a long and healthy life, I can’t help but to wonder, despite the good and bad times, will it be worth it? Will I be able to lay on my deathbed and look back and be proud of what I’ve accomplished? I can’t see that happening, because humans are such insignificant creatures on their own. Everything I will ever do in my life will not leave a single impact in the drop of human history that was my life.

I know what you’re saying, “wow, making history? Set your sights a little lower and you’d probably achieve whatever it is you want!” I would completely agree with you, but this is how I think. I have to have a purpose for living, I can’t just exist. This is the side keeping me alive, ever fighting the darkness inside me. It’s tiring being the battlefield for a war in which you don’t care who wins.

I always feel like there is something crucial missing from me, or I’ve lost something important. Whatever that is, I continue my daily grind of simply surviving. Making sure that at best, my depression gets a stalemate against my ambitions. I hope that you all enjoyed reading, and aren’t to fearful for me, because don’t worry, I might sound bad, but I’m surviving anyway I can.

Thank you all,

Wolfgang

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23 Replies to “Thoughts of a Depressed Mind #2”

  1. Suffering from depression is one of the suckiest things a person can go through. I have lost hope many times, only to be reminded that we were put here for a reason, that God has great plans for our future, and that if we turn to Him and ask for discernment and comfort? He will give us back a reason to exist. In my experience, helping others takes one’s mind off of their own despair, and enriches your happiness ten fold. God bless you and I pray you find peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding. I was born broken as well, but there are people who need me here, and for that I am incredibly blessed. May you be as well~

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You will remain in my prayers. And don’t forget your contribution to the world with your blog-you are making a difference, and that’s the very best we can hope for. HUGS.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Being real, sharing with others the reality of depression is a gift you give to others. Maybe that can be our purpose? We minimize the significance of how doing what sounds simple can actually touch, even save, lives who need to hear “real.” Thank you, Alan. ~ frankie

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Alan, I’ve suffered from depression for as long as I can remember and this post was really relatable. Thank you so much, I needed this badly. It’s like you read my mind. I want to find my purpose for living but sometimes, I don’t think I ever will. I want to make a difference, I don’t want to be a nobody. I want to change my life and someone else’s but sometimes, my depression and anxiety make me feel like I’m not good enough or capable enough to make a change. Where I come from, people can’t really empathize with people who suffer from depression and it’s difficult to find comfort while feeling like a complete outcast. Hence, thank you for this. I’m grateful beyond words. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can really relate to this. I go between wanting to do the most meaningful/idealist possible thing I can think of and not wanting to do anything. Middle ground is not tempting.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Alan, I clicked like, not because I like what your thinking, but because you have the guts to share it. You would be surprised at how many people before you have felt that exact same thing, self included. I don’t feel that way anymore, and you don’t have to either. What saddens me these days is to know that I, and others out there have the answer and want desperately to help people like yourself, but so many won’t listen, because it is attached to a name like no other name. The reason I know is because I was where you are now about 25 years ago, and literally haven’t felt that way since the day I came to know Jesus Christ in a personal way. You should read the book of Ecclesiastes, it pretty much nails the exact thoughts your thinking. The only difference is it was thought and documented by the richest and wisest man that ever lived. You should read the whole thing including his conclusion, to find out you are not so very alone in your thinking, you just have to come to the right conclusion. I pray that happens to you, because if you think this place is bad, who knows what lies on the other side of the grave. I mean, I could sugar coat it for you, but that’s ultimately the question you have to ask yourself, are you willing to take that gamble? There is a group of people saying they have real answers out here and a whole bunch of people saying they have no clue what in hell is going on inside their heads. Feel free to throw any questions you have this way, I myself have asked them all. And while I don’t have all the answers, I have enough of them to satisfy me that I’m on the right path. If your not comfortable asking in this forum, please feel free to respond to any one of my blog posts on depression and anxiety. I’d be happy to have that discussion with you. Take care, Keep writing, it too is therapy for the soul.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Interesting post! This was a change of perspective – when you posed the question “why is not wanting to live such a strange thing” it genuinely did make me wonder. Hope things get easier x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. wow, if i did not read the tag i could swear it was my son talking. Good to know there are people who really get it out there for him to connect with (jamesedgarskye’s mom)

    Like

    1. I am more than happy to be writing with him, he is a wonderful author and has treated me incredibly well since joining his site. You have a fantastic son, and I’m glad to be working with him.

      Like

  8. You question the importance of your life. I understand that….we all do it. But think of it like this. Each of us is but a pebble thrown into a still lake. That pebble send out ripples. Each ripple changes something….a fish in the pond….an insect drifting across the top….a plant on the edge. We may never know what those ripples do but they do change things. It is sad that we can’t know but there it is. If the pebble is tossed for the good (as is your blog) then good will come of it. If we try to share the good…good expands. Each life matters. Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Alan, I also relate to your way of thinking. Strange to think so grandly; yet not, when considering whether the constant stress of life is worth putting up with for so long.
    The small amount of “medication” I’ve tried lately has given me a tiny window in the brick walls around me. I can sometimes see sky. Besides that, I mostly think I ought to be satisfied with the lasting legacy of my children (and, of course, my multi-million-dollar writing career that’s sure to be coming).

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I listen to Alan Watts on YouTube,,, he once said, “The greatest philosophical question is weather or not you should commit suicide.” Ever since I heard that I think about it every single day. Thank you for having the courage to write this. I too think the same way.

    Liked by 1 person

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