This post is from a guest blogger Johan for The Bipolar Writer blog about anxiety. You can find the authors blog here. http://theprofoundshift.wordpress.com/
Meet Anxiety, The Blob in my Chest
Anxiety is the feeling we all grow to loathe. I lived with anxiety from a very young age, as young as I can remember. My first encounter as I recall it I must have been no older than 7-8 years old.
It vary´s from mild to severe, it depends on the season and on my mental state. I feel that after over 20 years of it weary presences I have somehow managed to keep it under control sometimes even managing it.
For many years I struggled in silence with it, I think I wasn’t willing to admit to myself that what I was feeling was a form of generalized anxiety.
Generalised anxiety made me feel in a sense both embarrassed and defeated, like life dealt me a bad hand. If someone where to tell me to get over it and think about the starving children of Africa I feel even worse. Having anxiety for both them and me and feeling guilty that even though I wasen´t starving I was till in a sense suffering.
When you get to that realization that you may be broken inside it really hurts. The day I started figuring out who I was and what I was feeling it got painfully obvious.
I felt weak and not in Control of myself nor my life. It was a feeling of being the effect not the cause. I Always wanted to be the cause not the effect, to be a strong man and a strong person. Everyone around me always seemed to manage life better, I Always felt envious as I could not understand the life of a normal person.
What is it like to think about what to have for lunch instead of having an existential crisis at age 9?
Man, I so wished I could be that kid thinking about lunch instead…
For years I hid the fact that my mental wellbeing was declining, rarely ever talking to someone about what was going on inside me. During the years I also had a couple of mental breakdowns.
I would best describe them as the ultimate mindfuck, leaving me in a state of vegetation on the couch or in the bed.
I even had total amnesia one day, forgot which day it was, what season and basically who I was. This lasted very shortly but it was probably one of the scariest things I ever had happen to me. I can only explain it as a severe stress/anxiety reaction.
Sometimes it felt like some higher Power guided me through my mental breakdowns, still to this day I can’t grasp the fact that I survived them.
But I survived, I lived through the darkness that is anxiety. I sometimes lived with the uncertainty to the point where living it day by day was my only option. The future was just too much to keep in mind.
Meet anxiety the blob in my chest, it is always there. Sometimes I can´t feel it because it is sleeping but it is Always there that much I’ve learned. But when I feel it it´s like a blob inhabiting my chest, a black blob running like motor oil down my chest and lungs.
When it awakens it burns in my chest and my heart starts pounding. This is usually accompanied with a doom and gloom mindset that seem´s to come out of nowhere.
It usually reveals itself at the worst time imaginable just to remind me not to get too comfortable. Always there lurking in the corner of my mind.
This morning I woke up at 6am having a cup of coffee while watching the sun rise over the apartment complex. Days like these I feel like I am going to be ok. Days like these I just know I found an inner strength, a resilience to go on no matter what.
I do Believe anxiety can be life´s greatest teacher. No matter how painful and life severing anxiety can be I still Believe it has a value. A value in teaching us contrast.
Coming to the conclusion that Life has it´s up´s and downs for a reason, Life teaches us to live by showing us all of what we can be. We can´t choose to be nothing because we are someone, a person with value and someone who others love.
I would not be who I am today if it where not for you anxiety, I may not have woken up at 6am to watch the sun rise . I may not have the courage, inner strength and will to live if it where not for you. Thank you.
Written by: Guest Writer Johan from http://theprofoundshift.wordpress.com/
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I am almost done editing my memoir “The Bipolar Writer,” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. I am still working towards enough to pay an artist for a good cover. Those that donate will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!