I had a couple of bad social anxiety filled nights last night and the night before. I through off my schedule that I was working towards (see more here). This poem, 12:15 am is my go to poem when my night time anxiety happens. It will end up my memoir The Bipolar Writer but since I am about to hit another followers milestone, I thought why not share again?
A little background on my poem 12:15 am. I wrote this at on April 29th of this year during one of my worst panic attacks of my life. This “poem” is just my thoughts during this event that I put together from a journal entry I wrote. It was tough because I was restless and anxious, so it was hard to stay still and write. I wrote half of it in my room and the other half outside. At the start the poem, I was in full panic attack mode and I had just taken an Ativan. This panic attack required more than one Ativan. By the end, it wore me out beyond compare.
It’s 12:15 in the morning.
My mind is racing and
I can feel my panic rising.
Shallow and slow, I can’t catch my breath.
Restlessness. A feeling of unease.
My hands start to tingle, numbness takes over.
I pace. Take a drink of water—
then begin to pace again.
I must stay inside, no— I can’t.
I must go outside.
My mind races faster, Will I run out of breath?
How do I control this feeling of helplessness?
I overthink. Please stop!
Then again, I over think. And again.
I lose control and the only way back,
is it this tiny white pill in my hand?
God, I want to sleep.
There is so much to do tomorrow.
Finally. I’m in control again.
Anxiety, why do you control me so?
It’s over for now,
But it won’t be the last time.
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I am almost done editing my memoir “The Bipolar Writer,” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. I am still working towards enough to pay an artist for a good cover. Those that donate will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!
Photo Credit: Ian Espinosa