Yesterday, I Wasn’t my Best

I Was More Like the Worst Parts of me

I have had terrible days in 2018, it comes with this mental illness life. Yesterday was a day that I always fear. A day where I really wanted to give up. It’s been a long time since I have felt like giving up in a very destructive way. It was a temporary feeling that only lasted for a few hours due to my increase in depression.

It’s hard to admit that because I was doing so well.

I gave into depression yesterday. It happens. I had a feeling as if things were headed that way since last week. There has been so much on my mind, and I let things get to me— that is always bad for someone in this life. I know it happens and I will most likely be hard on myself because I let myself down a bit.

Yesterday was my least productive day of 2018. I was thinking that while writing this piece. It is not the end of the world. Even at my bad days I still found ways to be somewhat productive. But, yesterday I spent the day in bed. We are allowed days that we just survive, I wrote about that last week. It’s true I was just surviving that day, but yesterday I survived by just being alive.

I was consumed by every doubt of my life moving forward from this point. I was overwhelmed by school. I couldn’t see an end date on my memoir. I felt terrible because I haven’t dedicated enough time that I wanted to proofread and it’s getting to me. My side projects for my blog, like writing interview features, has taken a backseat. I am having issues with my email, so I am not sure if I can get any of my important emails.

I think the biggest thing I fear is that what if things go wrong this year. I wanted 2018 to be better. It really has been an excellent year for me if I am honest. I have been so productive, but in the back of my mind my doubts creep in as the darkness of my depression starts to take over. That is my biggest fear— that things will spiral. I am always afraid of that happening.

I know it’s just a part of my mental illness and this Bipolar Life. When depression takes me over it brings out the worst parts of me. I think the worst possible thoughts and outcomes. I have been through this before, it is nothing new. I have this great outlet right now on this blog. I know I can get through it.

It just sucks to be in that moment. To be depressed about the unknown is something that is a part of me. I can fight this, but the truth is I am not in a great place. At least not right now. I need a few days. I need to get back on track. So that is what I am doing this morning. I am spending my morning writing two short papers. Then I will start my big powerpoint project for next week.

I need to get through the three months as finish my bachelor’s degree. I have so many positives for my upcoming summer. I have my annual pilgrimage to Vegas. I can walk with my graduating class in June summa cum laude. I have my brothers wedding. I know I will complete my memoir. It is not in me to not complete a project. I have this overwhelming need always to finish what I have started when it comes to a writing project.

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The upside is the Los Angeles Dodgers start their 2018 campaign today. Baseball makes me happy.  I am in a much better mood than yesterday. I got up out of bed and got going early enough. I am at my favorite coffee shop. I have plans for the next few hours to just plow through some of my school work and edit my memoir until I have to plan my opening day party. Life is good. Depression doesn’t last forever.

I have to keep fighting this lifelong fight. It’s the only choice. Things will get better. It always does get better. I have proven that in my life.

So here I am. Fighting. I do that best through my writing.

Always keep fighting.

James Edgar Skye

Please Help me Publish my Memoir

I am almost done editing my memoir “The Bipolar Writer,” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. I am still working towards enough to pay an artist for a good cover. Those that donate will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!

$2.00

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoVolkan Olmez

unsplash-logoPaola Chaaya

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35 Replies to “Yesterday, I Wasn’t my Best”

  1. Ah James, after a somewhat mixed week for me – I can hear where you’re coming from. I’m trying hard not to beat myself up, and look at the bigger picture – I’ve done some good stuff in recent weeks. For you, this certainly feels like a blip, too. I urge you to look at the wider picture. You’ve got this. And if you need to take your foot off the gas a little, or even completely for a little, that’s completely OK. You’re not veering off track, the course still lies ahead.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I was hard on myself but I realized that the negative thoughts weren’t helping. So I decided in the afternoon to give myself a break. I woke up today refreshed and I was quite productive today.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Awesome. I remember you wrote about being kind to oneself in another recent post, too. This is also something I’m also trying to do more of. I’m glad today felt better for you.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I feel you on this. I too have days like this and I don’t even have full depression (I think they call mine situational depression) but you are strong and brilliant and amazing. Keep doing what you need to, keep fighting and keep pushing forward.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was a tough day and I worried about carrying into today. But I woke up at five this morning refreshed and ready to take on my day. I feel better and I think it was a temporary thing for me.

      Like

  3. I’ve had a week like this too, it’s really hard to push through. It helps me to read other people’s experiences, so thanks for sharing this even though it’s hard

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re welcome Alys. It’s great to see people letting me know I am not alone in this. I do feel much better today. Maybe laying in bed most of the day was good thing for me.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You’re definitely not alone. Yes that sometimes helps, I had one of those days yesterday and have done slightly better today because of it I think

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Great post James! Yesterday was a horrible day for me as well. I lost a few blog followers which really shook my self-confidence and made my already plunging depression worse. I hope things start to look up for both of us! We are stronger than this disease, even when we don’t feel like it. To have survived this long, we must be stronger.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for sharing. It makes me feel better. We are stronger than this. I am pleased to report I feel better at the moment. Things started well for me this morning and I am moving forward.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. My favorite part: “It’s hard to admit that because I was doing so well.”
    This is so relateable as I’ve too been falling into that pit of depression with BP.
    We have plans for this year to be great – and even better than it has been… you have that hope… that’s more than what some people have, you know?
    CONGRATS on the finish line for your Bachelor’s! You’re going to do great things.
    Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Thank you for sharing…you would remind others to be kinder and love themselves, it’s just a little harder to remember to treat ourselves a little kinder!!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You can keep on. You should be so proud of yourself. Not that many people graduate summa cum laude. You have done this in spite of your ups and downs. You keep fighting on. You are able to recognize when you are down. When we start out we are not able to see what is going on with us but when we learn to see it it is easier to accept and gradually move ourselves forward. Just remember one step at a time, one moment at a time. God bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was horrible my first three years. Even the few years after my last Suicide I was getting my life together. I never had the strength that I have now. It feels good to close to the end with school. I am going for my Masters after I take the summer off.

      Like

  8. James, I feel for you and can so relate to the depression end of Bipolar. I can’t break it no matter what I do. I just don’t want to do anything at all as of late.
    I do hope you feel better soon, just take one day at a time. That’s all any of us can do. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  9. We all think days are bad until we have a day like that. Where everything that’s wrong is flowing through our heads and we don’t have the energy to face anything. That’s when my fear really sets in. Glad today was a better day! Keep fighting!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Hopefully, the break in Vegas will center your soul! You should really try a “nature therapy cleanse” absorbing the authenticity of nature can be really rejuvenating. Sending positive vibes!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I can’t wait for Vegas even if it’s at the end of the summer. But I have a lot of plans! Thank you for the positive vibes. I am sending you the same.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I experimented the same thing during my vacation. Suddenly not going through my habits and routine during the week opened the door for my demons to come in… I was suppose to rest and enjoy some alone time, but my thought were unkind and I could not find any peace.
    But like you, I have so much to look forward to, so many new and good things that will start happening soon, so, I managed to shove those demons back in their box. It’s a constant struggle but it’s people like you, who ultimately believe that the light will come back, who share their stories with raw honesty, that makes a difference. So, thank you. Stay golden and bless be!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing your story with me, it makes me feel less alone in the struggle. I got back on track which helps. Thank you for tour kind words of encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I had a bad week as well. It makes it so difficult when you have so many things going for you and you think, why would I give up or how can I not feel happy. It almost feels cyclical. I haven’t found my Get out of Depression Quick card yet. But your attitude of allowing your body or mind is a great start. I feel a tinge if guilt, but sometimes it’s needed. I’ve given up talking to people about it, unless you count WordPress and writing in a journal, but the feeling always pasts eventually, sometimes after a day, sometimes a week.

    Liked by 2 people

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