I must walk through a door once again on this journey— a door to a new psychiatrist.
I am once again in limbo in the Adult System of Care at my local county run Behavioral Health. It is an eventuality that I knew was going to happen because my current psychiatrist was new supposed to be permanent, but it seems I am never prepared— and I will once again have to share my story with a new doctor. It has been perhaps the worst part of the revolving door of psychiatrists since 2012 is that there is no real stability when it comes to my psychiatrists in my mental illness life. I should be used to this process but in a lot of ways it never easy.
I Have Major Trust Issues
It is no secret that I have major trust issues with the county level mental health system. My first experience with them came after I spent over a week in the psych ward for a suicide attempt. It was less than a month later I was back in for another suicide attempt, and these experiences left a horrible taste in my mouth. I hated the system and making me take all these medications. When I entered the Adult Behavioral System, I was in denial that something was wrong with me and I was afraid of the mental illness stigma.
It was no wonder that the first three years of my diagnosis I fought and denied that there was anything writing with me.
I am great for writing my experiences here on The Bipolar Writer blog, and the fantastic positivity from my fellow bloggers in the community, but the truth is I am still uncomfortable telling my story face to face. I hate making eye contact with people because my anxiety is always on high alert during appointments with my psychiatrist. Writing down my story is so much easier for someone like me and prefer this medium to talking about my issues.
My trust issues also come from the fact that I have never been really great at being around people and I have trusted psychiatrists less and less over the years as my local Behavioral Health department has switched to talking on a screen while the psychiatrist is off somewhere else. How can these doctors honestly know what is going on if they can’t see me live and in person? One thing I hate is having to retell my story. Explain why my anxiety and depression has been so severe lately, and the causes.
I have thought about writing something down, but then wouldn’t that constitute writing my memoir? I already have that, and I could print out a draft, but I worry about unprotected work. My memoir has been a culmination over the last nine months. My only real option is to tell my story again.
What will this new doctor bring to the table? It took months with the current psychiatrist that is leaving before I saw real changes, especially with my Ativan medication. To be honest, my current psychiatrist wasn’t all that helpful beyond changing that one medicine, but we had built up a rapport even with our sessions only being five minutes long (I literally spend more time in the lobby than with my psychiatrist.) In some ways, he listened, and in other ways he just wanted me to continue to make my medication work.
Now I have to adjust to a new doctor’s personality, and I worry that it will be like business as usual— just working on maintaining my medication. It sucks because there are a lot of stress factors for me in the coming months. I am nowhere near where I want to be with my social anxiety. I do my CBT daily, and I am learning triggers, avoidance behaviors, and emotional driven behaviors. I want instant results, and it’s not happening.
The past two weeks have been a step in the wrong direction— backward. So I have to pick up the pieces and keep moving on. Its what this life is about, and I will have to deal what comes my way with the new doctor changes. I am ready to be back on track with this blog, my writing projects, and my freelance work. I am even taking coding classes this summer to add another skill to what I am good at in this life.
Soon I will be walking through a different door and new psychiatrist. I am hopeful and stressed at the same time.
Maybe it will be different this time. Always keep fighting.