The Revolving Door of Psychiatrists Pt. 3

I must walk through a door once again on this journey— a door to a new psychiatrist.

I am once again in limbo in the Adult System of Care at my local county run Behavioral Health. It is an eventuality that I knew was going to happen because my current psychiatrist was new supposed to be permanent, but it seems I am never prepared— and I will once again have to share my story with a new doctor. It has been perhaps the worst part of the revolving door of psychiatrists since 2012 is that there is no real stability when it comes to my psychiatrists in my mental illness life. I should be used to this process but in a lot of ways it never easy.

The Revolving Door of Psychiatrists – Part One

The Revolving Doors of Psychiatrists – Part Two

I Have Major Trust Issues

It is no secret that I have major trust issues with the county level mental health system. My first experience with them came after I spent over a week in the psych ward for a suicide attempt. It was less than a month later I was back in for another suicide attempt, and these experiences left a horrible taste in my mouth. I hated the system and making me take all these medications. When I entered the Adult Behavioral System, I was in denial that something was wrong with me and I was afraid of the mental illness stigma.

It was no wonder that the first three years of my diagnosis I fought and denied that there was anything writing with me.

I am great for writing my experiences here on The Bipolar Writer blog, and the fantastic positivity from my fellow bloggers in the community, but the truth is I am still uncomfortable telling my story face to face. I hate making eye contact with people because my anxiety is always on high alert during appointments with my psychiatrist. Writing down my story is so much easier for someone like me and prefer this medium to talking about my issues.

My trust issues also come from the fact that I have never been really great at being around people and I have trusted psychiatrists less and less over the years as my local Behavioral Health department has switched to talking on a screen while the psychiatrist is off somewhere else. How can these doctors honestly know what is going on if they can’t see me live and in person? One thing I hate is having to retell my story. Explain why my anxiety and depression has been so severe lately, and the causes.

I have thought about writing something down, but then wouldn’t that constitute writing my memoir? I already have that, and I could print out a draft, but I worry about unprotected work. My memoir has been a culmination over the last nine months. My only real option is to tell my story again.

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What will this new doctor bring to the table? It took months with the current psychiatrist that is leaving before I saw real changes, especially with my Ativan medication. To be honest, my current psychiatrist wasn’t all that helpful beyond changing that one medicine, but we had built up a rapport even with our sessions only being five minutes long (I literally spend more time in the lobby than with my psychiatrist.) In some ways, he listened, and in other ways he just wanted me to continue to make my medication work.

Now I have to adjust to a new doctor’s personality, and I worry that it will be like business as usual— just working on maintaining my medication. It sucks because there are a lot of stress factors for me in the coming months. I am nowhere near where I want to be with my social anxiety. I do my CBT daily, and I am learning triggers, avoidance behaviors, and emotional driven behaviors. I want instant results, and it’s not happening.

The past two weeks have been a step in the wrong direction— backward. So I have to pick up the pieces and keep moving on. Its what this life is about, and I will have to deal what comes my way with the new doctor changes. I am ready to be back on track with this blog, my writing projects, and my freelance work. I am even taking coding classes this summer to add another skill to what I am good at in this life.

Soon I will be walking through a different door and new psychiatrist. I am hopeful and stressed at the same time.

Maybe it will be different this time. Always keep fighting.

James

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoAlexander Rumpel

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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21 Replies to “The Revolving Door of Psychiatrists Pt. 3”

  1. Maybe it’s just the people I’ve been seeing, but I can’t trust psychiatrists because their smiles seem so well thought out. Planned accordingly to my visit. I know I need to continue seeing a psychiatrist, but I can’t work up the trust to tell them anything.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ugh, I feel ya on this one. But it’s strange, I loved seeing my therapist and it got easier each time… until I gave her the link to my blog. I haven’t gone back since that day, my last appointment was scheduled for exactly a month ago today. I’m too uncomfortable to see her now. I think I’m done seeing a therapist for a bit. She was also planning on leaving in August.

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  3. I really enjoy your blog and feel that you are very brave and strong in sharing the things that you do; it’s not the same as a face to face chat but it still takes courage and an amazing sense of self-awareness. I wondered if you’d tried any paths other than traditional psychiatry? You don’t need to answer if you don’t want to – it’s just out of interest. Hope you have a positive day :O)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I found that looking at the world from a different perspective helped me when I was suffering from depression. I started listening to Tony Robbins (loads of stuff on YouTube) and, after a time, I just started seeing the things differently. He uses a technique called neuro linguistic programming. It’s complicated but, to give you an example, he asks us to think about the way that we view past experiences because they influence the way that we see things in the present. If you have had a bad experience he asks you to view it like a movie and then make small changes each time you replay it in your mind. So, if someone was bullying you you envision them getting smaller and smaller, then you envision you getting taller. Their voice becomes funny and squeaky and yours becomes louder and stronger. This is done over a period of maybe 20 minutes and, in the end, your bully maybe the size of a mouse with a little tiny voice so small that you can’t even hear what they are saying. Essentially YOU have reprogrammed your own mind to improve your bad memories and empower yourself in the process. As Tony Robbins says ‘you wouldn’t go to see a bad movie over and over again so why do we reply our own negative experiences’? It takes some practice but it really works. I moved on from him to Osho and Sadhguru (also on YouTube) and they seem to take the things in life which seem very complicated and make them simple. I had depression for 15 years off and on and these people changed my life. I’m not a psychiatrist and I’m not suggesting that you stop seeing yours but maybe some of these people’s techniques will help. All the best x

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  4. I really hope the change is for a more suitable one 😊 I don’t trust them either, I just take the bits that can be helpful to me. I have found way more help in self-help books and online classes than with therapists, one of them actually advised me to keep reading those books 😂

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    1. I have been lucky to have a legit therapist who cares about my recovery. I have found self help books useful. I am thinking that this change will once again be temporary.

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  5. You are actually very strong and brave to share the thing thts happened to you.. it takes a lots of courage share our own story and to write it down on the blog in which you know your readers gonna judge you by the things that had happened to you.. but am proud tht you had done that. I really enjoy reading your blog and you know why I had followed your blog because I was too having bipolar .. Had tried to attempt suicide twice 😞.. but am ok now.. my life is quite smooth now. Bt had got attack during the month of March.. bt hv recovered soon because of my Mom’s love and Dad’s support… n I do meditation daily now which helps me to hv a stable and peaceful mind. It had helped me to increase my concentration power too.. now am getting highest marks in my class😄.. so you too don’t worry.. you will also get fine soon.. try to meditate. Everything will be ok soon😇

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for reading my blog Ria. I am glad you are in a better place. Setbacks are a part of our mental illness and we become so much stronger after dealing with setbacks. Always keep fighting.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. It’s good that you have a positive attitude, considering the circumstances. If you’ve seen the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall, there is a brief scene where Jason Segel’s character laments on the piano over seeing a psychiatrist. Laughter is the best medicine. Ok, it’s not as good as Ativan, but it has its benefits. I recently moved to a new country and am seeing a new psych tomorrow. I’ve already been warned that they don’t have one of my meds. So that’s going to be super fun. Hang in there. You know it gets better. I hope your appointment goes well. And if it doesn’t, get some ice cream after or do something nice for yourself. Much love. Here’s a link to the movie scene I mentioned…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It took me several psychs to find one I finally feel comfortable continuing treatment with. In my experience psychiatrists have seemed like they just want you in & out in 15-20 min. My current psych has spent 45 min with me discussing my diagnosis & treatment plan in depth. For once it seems like I found one who cares.

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