I spend the last week working on getting my life back on track after my latest depression cycle. It’s been good and bad, to be honest. I knew at some point in 2018 that the stress would get to me and depression is inevitable in this Bipolar Life.
It’s been a different process this year. For the first time since I was diagnosed, I have an outlet— my memoir and my blog— to honestly get things into perspective when it comes to my life. I have found working on memoir helps me put things into the right perspective. I have never had these outlets before and to be honest I had some moments that I wanted to quit writing. The pull the depression has on my life has always been active.
I won’t lie when my depression takes over the worst parts of my personality comes out. I can’t sleep, and yet I stay in bed. I am short with people, and I can get angry that people can’t leave me alone. I have trouble focusing even for a second, and I love to binge watch my favorite shows until I get lost in the story. I love a good story.
I learned a lot about my depression the last few weeks, and it helped that I got my life back on track. It’s been slow going. An example is my sleep schedule. I was, for about a month and a half, waking up at 5 am and getting to sleep at around 10 pm. I have been waking later more around 7 am, but I am hoping to get back on track this coming week.
This life dealing with depression for me is finding ways to get through the worst of it and coming out stronger on the other end. I know I have to make adjustments to get back to a schedule. When life is good, and my depression is under control, I am on the steady daily schedule. I know when I am off track when I start to forget to do things.
I learned recently that things in my life are not always going to be good. I started out 2018 in such a right place, but I am a creature of habit. I know November to March is my hard months, but in truth, I usually have some level of depression in April going into May before things change for the good. The best thing about journaling and writing my memoir is that I have been able to track my last ten years.
I know that May is always a turning point in my life. My summers are generally for dealing with social anxiety, although that has been a year-long thing lately. But, in May my depression becomes less, and I deal very well with little depression from May until November (October is usually an in-between month.) This is my life. I am okay with it.
I am learning to be stronger. That is the best thing for my recovery is learning how to deal with the worst parts of my mental illness. Every depression cycle in this Bipolar life can be a learning experience.
The one thing I want to learn is how to keep writing when I am depressed. At least at a reasonable level like writing my daily blog. I’d like to get back to that so I will be adding that as a mini goal.
So, I say this, depression is what it is, but we can always fight. Always keep fighting.
James Edgar Skye