An Update on my Panic Attacks
I have been working as hard as I can to prevent the panic attacks that I have been dealing with on a weekly basis. My triggers are vast or so it seems and my worst times change over time or month to month, but one thing is clear. Panic attacks have ruled my 2018, and it sometimes feels that there is no end in sight.
I have chronicled before on this blog that the time between 4 pm and 7 pm is one such section of my day where my anxiety levels are high. As per my therapist, I have been working in five minutes of mindfulness breathing to tackle this section of my day. It has been months since I have experienced a panic attack during this time period. The problem is that as long as I continue to stay in my safe place at home, I still deal with elevated anxiety when I leave my house.
What is interesting is that I am most things are right during the morning hours. It was one reason why I decided to wake everyday at 5 am. As soon as that gets back on track, I will get my essential things done in the morning and give my self some rest and leisure time to say read a book.
My other issue comes at night just before I am getting ready to go to bed. It has been especially hard to deal with my anxiety at night and while it’s not a panic attack every night (it happens almost twice a week) but I get really close. I do my best to tackle the issue head-on with mindfulness breathing but if my anxiety is already spiraling it can be a problem.
I have so many triggers for anxiety, and I haven’t even talked about my social anxiety when I leave my house. For the most part, I am learning about my avoidance behaviors that I use, but it hasn’t helped me leave my home more than a few days a week. I still have to always have my Ativan on me and water. My trips have been short, and for the last two weeks, I haven’t gone to my favorite coffee shop.
I hope to change that this week.
Anxiety indeed rules my life. I can honestly deal with depression so much better. When I am in a full-blown panic attack, I lose myself. My heart begins to race. The numbness reaches first my fingertips and then my hands. I start to hyperventilate. I pace so fast and yet I want nothing but to sit. I can’t breathe, and it freaks me out— I am losing control, and it’s the worst feeling in the world.
My latest trigger for my panic attack was several things all at once. I was apprehensive about the start of a new semester. I had an early morning appointment I could not miss. Then there’s the added stress of finishing my memoir and the prospect of moving to a new place this month.
Life is coming at me fast, and I always think I have more time than I actually do. I wanted so bad to ultimately be back on track by this week, but it’s starting to be a struggle.
My major goal of 2018 was to get my social anxiety back under control. Five months has changed some of my general stress and social anxiety but it’s not where I wanted to be, but I will reassess this week and try to figure this stuff out. I wanted to be in a different place come May. I have so much to look forward this summer.
Always keep fighting.