The Bipolar Writer’s Lament
It’s been a rough April, and the start to May in my Bipolar life has been less than auspicious. I do want 2018 to be different. Even with the best intentions I still have bad habits— mainly that I let depression take over long periods of my life.
I want to feel more like how I started my year. January to March I was rolling along at a high pace. Now it feels more like I am sitting on my hands worried that either my depression would consume me or anxiety will take over my life.
I have been missing a piece of myself that I somehow lost at some point at the end of March. I am different person now and I don’t like it one bit. I’m really lost. It seems to start and end with sleep.
The truth is I haven’t been sleeping well. I did what I am supposed to when my sleep starts to get out of control. I take my max dosage of Seroquel so I can sleep. That is the worst because it means more in my system. The more I have to take, the more the zombie me takes over during my day.
I was hopeful that the turn of the month and warmer weather would help. In the past my November to March was typically filled with severe depression. Then 2018 happened and a I had a new attitude— a positive outlook at all I was achieving. I skipped my usual January to March depression.
Life always seems to catch with me in this Bipolar life.
I am not sure where to go from here for the first time since creating the Bipolar Writer blog. I want to think that I can continue writing my blog. A piece of me wants to give up. I have never been this dedicated to something in my life outside my writing projects and school.
Don’t get me wrong. I love what I do. I love sharing the stories of others in the mental health community. It’s just I have always had this one bad habit. I forget about my own mental health.
Will I ever feel like I did in January?
I was in control of my future. I still am, but there is more uncertainty. It could just be that things are truly changing. I am seven weeks away from completing my bachelors degree, something that despite being Bipolar I have done very well. It’s the longest thing I have been dedicated to in my life.
As I sit here writing and thinking about how things changed so quickly. I thought I was ready for anything. That 2018 was the year I conquer my social anxiety. I am no closer to this goal. I sometimes wish I was just depressed. Okay I could deal with that, but on a nightly basis my anxiety keeps spiraling out of control.
I hate the feeling of losing who I am, and I can’t live everyday in fear of my anxiety. It’s about all I think about, and at the end of the day I can’t fathom how I got through another day of this life.
It could be this is just a part of riding out a depression cycle. It takes time when your life is a light switch that only has two modes— depression and anxiety.
I will always fight. It’s what I do. It doesn’t mean I don’t have my doubts some days. I hope at the end of every week that this will be the turn. This has been my life for so long. I am better than this. I am stronger than this.
Always Keep Fighting. That means so much right now.
James Edgar Skye