Well it was coming. I hit rock bottom on Monday. I had no motivation to do anything positive. I did go out in the morning to do my Monday routine, but after that I laid in bed and actually slept again. Then I stayed bed. I gave up. I was done.
Honestly, I thought this was it. I have let depression take me over.
In my mind, I was in for one of those year-long depression cycles. I was pessimistic, and all I wanted to do was give up. Why keep fighting? Why keep going when all I am doing is losing?
It got worse Monday night. I couldn’t sleep. It was five in the morning when I finally hit that bottom. I slept for a couple of hours. I had thought when I woke up it would be much of the same. It has been like that for weeks.
I’ve hit rock bottom before, it’s a side effect of severe depression. Maybe I needed to hit rock bottom. I woke up Tuesday. I can’t say I felt different, but I refocused.
I took a shower. I sat down and had some coffee. I refocused. I prioritized my day and the rest of my week. I called my therapist and set up my next appointment. I also set up my appointment with yet another psychiatrist (see the revolving door of psychiatrists.) I took charge. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and feeding the depression. I studied and wrote multiple blog posts. Life crept back into my soul.
The sample size is small, but it’s the little wins that count in this battle. On a side note my anxiety is getting better. I don’t know if I have indeed broken the current cycle. I thought it had ended, but the truth is in this Bipolar life, you can’t get complacent. I felt that I had somehow conquered my depression, but I let my guard down.
I bragged that depression was a temporary thing that I could conquer in less than a week. I thought that gone were the days of long depression cycles were gone. Yet, here I am, over two months into the worst depression cycle since 2016.
I made the ultimate sin. I thought I could conquer my depression for good. I’m not saying that is not possible— it is. At the same time, depression will come at you from all directions.
I started this blog to show my journey after learning so much from ten years of dealing with being Bipolar. I have learned these past few weeks that mental illness is ever evolving. I still believe that recovery is possible, that getting to a manageable level with my depression is something that can and will be done in this life.
So I will keep fighting. Taking it day by day sounds a cliche, but here it is— always keep fighting my friends. I know I will.
P.S. This is another chance for me to change the narrative of my Bipolar life.