Anxiety: The Silent Struggle
I will admit. Depression sucks. I deal with it just like all of us in the Bipolar/mental illness struggle. It’s true, I hate depression. It’s been my oldest companion and worse tormentor. It can feel like the end of the world, and three times in my life it almost killed me.
I always tend to hide my struggles, but with depression I am still more open to talking about because I understand it. Anxiety— and by extension, my social anxiety— it is the silent struggle.
It’s true, I have talked about my social anxiety here on my blog. But, for the most part, I struggle with it in silence. I think most people struggle with it in silence because it’s tough to understand— at least in my own experiences.
When I sit at a coffee shop, it is all alone. Don’t get me wrong, but I do like it that way. At the same time, I struggle. People make me nervous. I tend to look for the tables that I can be alone. When I have to sit at the “big table” with others, my natural instinct is to put my headphones on and drown out the world.
I do it because it because every second alone in this world outside my safe places I am struggling. I struggle to be around people because I have never felt normal. It’s not anyone’s fault but my own. I have spent the majority of my time isolating myself because it is easier than trying to live.
Why do I write this blog post? I realize that my biggest issue with my social anxiety is me. I am my worst enemy. I have doubted so much that I can really change. I am so set in my ways, but I honestly feel that I am missing out on something. Life is not about isolation and being alone.
I am not going to change overnight. I have a long road ahead, but I set out to make 2018 the year that I conquer my social anxiety. For the most part, I failed in that regard or at least hit some major speed bumps. Still, my point is that it is only May. At the same time, we are five months into 2018, and I am so much better than letting my silent struggle win.
I have not entirely conquered my depression, but I have more control over it (granted I have struggled through so much more depression, at least at this point in my life.) It took me years to get to a place where I could be comfortable talking about depression. Even talking about my mental health is really new.
I just started opening up the last two years now. It took the right therapist to get me to my blog. Now eight months of blogging has changed me, but it’s been a long process. I have to be willing to grow. That’s how I started to understand my depression. Can it be the same with my social anxiety?
Time will tell. In the meantime, I am going to start working on getting better. As cliche as it sounds one day at a time is all you have in this struggle. May has always been the month where things turn. I am hoping that is what happens with my social anxiety.
Stay tuned. Always keep fighting.
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I am almost done editing my memoir “The Bipolar Writer,” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. I am still working towards enough to pay an artist for a good cover. Those that donate will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!