In recent weeks I have been stuck in this bizarre loop. I feel as if I have said everything there is to say about James– The Bipolar Writer. Those that read my blog posts know I am struggling at the moment with my social anxiety and now my generalized anxiety. There is a real change that I could be agoraphobic, which doesn’t surprise me given the state of my social anxiety at this moment. At night my anxiety spirals daily, and no end seems to find me, or an answer to my problems. At the same time, I feel as if I have nothing to say…
So it goes on in this loop. Anxiety. Fear. More anxiety. Take my Ativan. Try to surivive the night. Try to survive outside my house. Try to exist.
All this is just mental health stuff. I have to continue to work on my recovery through therapy. I have to write poems for my poetry class (although I have really enjoyed this part) and then switch over to finishing quizzes and papers for my science class– to complete my final semester. Then my move to my new house is less than a week and a half away, and it has been a stressful process to find balance.
I sometimes think my head will explode at some point.
I always want to be open to the readers of this blog, but can I continue to complain when I fail to find solutions to the problems? I know. It is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight and all that jazz. I continue to work with my therapist, but I have already given up on things that would have made this summer what I needed to move on.
Take walking with my class. I could have flown out and walked. I am graduating top my class, but social anxiety fears got in the way. As many panic attacks as I have had over the past week, there was a real fear of flying and having a panic attack. So I decided not to walk and finish my semester and get my degree– total avoidance behavior. I have started to make excuses for why I can enjoy my summer. Money. Motivation. Fear. It is excuses that are driven by anxiety fear.
I fear just sitting at my favorite coffee shop writing a blog post. Fear has been my greatest weakness lately. I was working on my recent avoidance behaviors, and I realized I have been avoiding writing because I fear that I would sound like a broken record. The Bipolar Writer is talking again about his social anxiety issues, still. It has also affected my writing. There has been a real disconnect between finishing up my memoir. It is my fear that takes over.
Working on your mental health is a 24/7, 365 days a year job. Most days lately it’s getting through an hour is a chore. I am on edge. My anxiety spirals so much that it amazes me that I have found new levels that I never thought were possible. I think at some level all the changes as once– the move and finishing my degree– has taken over with irrational fear. Maybe when it is all said and done at the end of June, I can finally relax.
One thing to come out of this mess is that my poetry writing has improved so much over the last six weeks. I never knew that writing poetry could be therapeutic. I always attributed writing a blog post for The Bipolar Writer blog was therapeutic– but sometimes on a journey, you get lost. You can lose focus and maybe lose yourself.
I have lost something lately, and I hope to find it soon.
Always keep fighting.