I wanted to share more of my journal in 2015. These two pieces are from early in 2015 when I was in a bad place. Everyday seemed to be worse than the last. As always these entries are as written.
You can find the other two blog posts here:
My Poem that I posted today correlates with this time frame as it was written in early April. You can find it here. Depression Poetry
Depression Journal Entries – February 2015
Journal Entry February 3, 2015
It has been a tough day…
Really just a tough week. My biggest problem is that I think wanting something to change means its gonna change in an instant. I am not really good at being patient and letting something come to me. It really sucks to be feeling depressed about things that I have no control over. Yet I worry about every second that passes by and nothing happens. I mean, why must things always be depressing. I don’t what to do sometimes.
I guess I just continue to press on the best that I can. Nothing else I can really do but try to move forward. My life has been one big marathon that I have been trying to stay focused on.
My sleep has been so problamatic. I can’t sleep and then I sleep in. I hate myself because I want to wake up at a certain time but it never happens. It is my life I guess. You would think I would get used to it.
My one solace is my writing but even that can’t keep me focused. I want to work on a new piece, maybe my novel or my memoir but I can’t decide, so I do what I always do, nothing. So much of my life is like that, I worry about what is and decide not to act on it. I am hopeful that it will get better.
I was never really good at finding a job. Most of my jobs didn’t require interviews (and I missed about seven year of working) but hey I can only do what I can. I have no experience in anything, and I am almost thirty.
It really sucks to be me at times…
Journal Entry February 5, 2015
I am trying to find myself…
So If you have any idea where I went, that would be great.
I am always trying to find myself. My identity. Who I am, who do I want to be. It is such a hard question to figure out. I know what i want out of my life. Just to write, is that so hard to ask? I really want to just be happy and write. If I could do that, life would be so great. But, sadly it is not so simple.
I have never really sat down and asked myself who I am and who do i want to be. Saying that even makes no sense. But, it is what it is. I have yet to really find myself, so I find that I am constantly lost in this abyss that is my so called life. I really hate it because I know that there is greatness in me, I just can’t seem to be able to get outside my head for more than three seconds. I want to get better so much that I live in the past trying to figure out what I did wrong.
The thing is, the past always seems to be what gets me in the wrong mood. I want to write about my experiences with bipolar disorder, but I can’t get my thoughts straight. It becomes so hard to just write because this story really means so much to me. So where can I go from here? Do I move on or muddle through this.
I really fucking hate this feeling. I want to be great, and maybe someday i will. Or the real thing.. I could end up in the hospital or even worse dead. Please God help me find my way. It would mean the world to me…