For those of you who struggle with suicidal ideation, I recommend that you read this with caution.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please reach out for help
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
(Online Chat also available
So, the big S word, one that is not usually looked upon with kind eyes. Yet, there are those among us, that have a different view of this word. Those of us with an abstract romance with the idea of taking our own life. The depressed brain often gives way to these thoughts easier. So much so, that some of us even begin to feel uncomfortable without them. My first day without a single thought of ending my life was almost like I had been transported to another dimension.
A small bit of backstory, I have had 3 suicide attempts. 1 of which I was hospitalized in an ICU ward on a ventilator. The fourth I don’t count, because I had procured some rather lethal pills, but reached out to my therapist at the time, and was prevented from using them. Needless to say, I was hospitalized after this incident as well. Looking back on it, it’s somewhat eerie how close I was to die at either of these 2 points.
I digress, for those of us that deal with suicidal ideations, there comes a point where they become our new normal. Where we do not falter at the idea of getting in a horrible car accident on our way to work. Receiving a call from our doctor, giving us weeks to live. We do not fear death
We are longing for it.
The idea that some way, somehow, our life will end. It’s even better if it happens out of our control. That way, there is really no guilt in the matter. Although if you think about it, dead people don’t feel guilty. However, the single thing that I have learned through my just under 2-decade war with this illness; is that people who fear death are people I will never understand.
I imagine you were expecting something very prolific there, sorry to disappoint.
But the truth of the matter is that I do not regret attempting to take my own life. What’s done is done, I can’t ever take it back. So I’ve moved on and learned through each experience. I’ve come to realize, that when it comes down to it, I wouldn’t be where I am now if I hadn’t tried to kill myself. That I wouldn’t even really be who I am now.
To end things on a lighter note, if you are having trouble processing the guilt of a suicide attempt, think of it this way. I see suicide attempts not as a failure, not that you weren’t strong enough, or didn’t try hard enough. I see them as rebirths, a chance to really and truly change. Where you can rise out of the ashes of your transgressions, and become who you were always meant to be.
Each action we take in our lives is a single step on the path that will someday be our journey. The best part about it is that you get to choose how the bricks in your path are laid.
Stay Strong, I made it, so can you.