Why I Don’t Regret My Suicide Attempts, and Neither Should You

For those of you who struggle with suicidal ideation, I recommend that you read this with caution.

 


If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please reach out for help

Call 911

Or

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

1-800-273-8255

(Online Chat also available

 


So, the big S word, one that is not usually looked upon with kind eyes. Yet, there are those among us, that have a different view of this word. Those of us with an abstract romance with the idea of taking our own life. The depressed brain often gives way to these thoughts easier. So much so, that some of us even begin to feel uncomfortable without them. My first day without a single thought of ending my life was almost like I had been transported to another dimension.


A small bit of backstory, I have had 3 suicide attempts. 1 of which I was hospitalized in an ICU ward on a ventilator. The fourth I don’t count, because I had procured some rather lethal pills, but reached out to my therapist at the time, and was prevented from using them. Needless to say, I was hospitalized after this incident as well. Looking back on it, it’s somewhat eerie how close I was to die at either of these 2 points.


I digress, for those of us that deal with suicidal ideations, there comes a point where they become our new normal. Where we do not falter at the idea of getting in a horrible car accident on our way to work. Receiving a call from our doctor, giving us weeks to live. We do not fear death

We are longing for it.

The idea that some way, somehow, our life will end. It’s even better if it happens out of our control. That way, there is really no guilt in the matter. Although if you think about it, dead people don’t feel guilty. However, the single thing that I have learned through my just under 2-decade war with this illness; is that people who fear death are people I will never understand.

I imagine you were expecting something very prolific there, sorry to disappoint.

But the truth of the matter is that I do not regret attempting to take my own life. What’s done is done, I can’t ever take it back. So I’ve moved on and learned through each experience. I’ve come to realize, that when it comes down to it, I wouldn’t be where I am now if I hadn’t tried to kill myself. That I wouldn’t even really be who I am now.


To end things on a lighter note, if you are having trouble processing the guilt of a suicide attempt, think of it this way. I see suicide attempts not as a failure, not that you weren’t strong enough, or didn’t try hard enough. I see them as rebirths, a chance to really and truly change. Where you can rise out of the ashes of your transgressions, and become who you were always meant to be.

Each action we take in our lives is a single step on the path that will someday be our journey. The best part about it is that you get to choose how the bricks in your path are laid.

Stay Strong, I made it, so can you.

Wolfgang

Photo Credit:

Advertisements

27 Replies to “Why I Don’t Regret My Suicide Attempts, and Neither Should You”

  1. When the irrational becomes so rational. There is a normalcy to death, a feeling of control and freedom. I’m so glad you are still here.

    The last thing you need is one more thing to do but I wrote ‘The Alice Cooper Lesson’. It’s on my blog I tripped Over a Stone. I talk about why suicide can seem so perfectly ‘right’. ~Kim

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I could very much relate to this post. Thank you for putting it out there, I am glad that you are still here to write this and that you are fighting through.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I cried hard reading this.. I want to believe in this. But I feel shame, sorry and so much pity for those I make them worry so much about me. And what I did to them. I hope I’ll be forgiven.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The shame is normal, each of us have our own ways of dealing with the aftermath of an attempt. The good thing is that forgiveness, from those who love us, comes easily as they know we are still alive. Don’t worry about being forgiven, chances are you already have been. The key is what you chose to do with that forgiveness, you can’t let the people who care for you down. Plus, even if they don’t forgive you, you have to forgive yourself, otherwise you’ll never progress past it. I hope this helps, and just know, that you are loved.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Yes, the commute darkness when I wonder if hitting the bridge column would be fatal or not. The wish to faint at random times of the day just to be able to disappear for a couple of minutes. The wish to simply evaporate and not have the pressure of the neve rending demand for energy that I never seem to be able to completely recover. Those thoughts creep in and out like the ride. It is precious to have an online community to share and feel less lonely. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you’re still with us, and reaching out to help others.
    I never attempted suicide, but there was a time in my life where I lived every day with the desire to die. I am years past this now, and doing exponentially better mentally, but my baseline has been forever changed. I work very hard to make sure I never go back there, but death can never scare me again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry that you had to feel this way, but I am glad that you are past it. Hopefully I can get past these thoughts myself

      Like

      1. We are too often too blinded by our own selfish ways to see what’s in front us. If you have family, if you’re surrounded by love and support, if you have a roof over your head and food on the table, that’s enough – we forget some people don’t have any of that. It’s easy to go into a negative space, but when you do, fight it and think of the positives that you have in your life and fight for that. Be grateful for that.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s