My Recent Mania – This Bipolar Life

It is worse at night when I am restless, alone, and trying to find sleep.

My Bipolar Life – Mania and Mixed Episode Edition

In this “Bipolar life,” mania is something that does and will happen. I don’t often talk about my manic side because I understand it less than my depression. There is no cure for the Bipolar disorder, so that means that my mania will come up, and when I least expect it to make an appearance.

Recently this past week I talked to my therapist about some changes that I was feeling in my life over the past week or two. The biggest has been my decreasing need for sleep. It is always one of the earliest signs that I miss when it comes to my mania. My lack of sleep has been well documented by my doctors, but this goes beyond my insomnia– I feel as if I don’t need rest at all. That can be dangerous because of my mental health, getting sleep is the most critical part, and the hardest to stay on track.

Not sleeping is a bad sign and one my therapist asked me to track since the early part of this week.

The other signs started to fall into place, and it made me realize that as far as I have come in understanding my Bipolar disorder, my mania can still give me pause and wonder. I have been restless to the extreme every night, I can’t lay down for more than twenty minutes before having to get up and walk around my house. I go outside and walk when it is possible, but most of the time I pace my house in the dark.edward-polo-234190-unsplash.jpg

The last few days I caught myself moving about my house at all hours that I should be sleeping. What is worse is I am getting to sleep later and later (when things are right I am asleep around 11 pm and awake around 5 am.) Last night it was three in the morning before I crashed, and that was only with a max dosage of Seroquel.

My thoughts have been racing a million miles a minute that I have become numb to it again. I tend to forget that racing thoughts are not good, and a sign of what I like to call “Manic James.” This version of me is reckless and quick to anger. I get these ideas that I could write my next novel in one sitting. I think that there is nothing I can’t do, and I forget that there are limitations for someone that is Bipolar– it is just the truth.

That does not mean I what I want to accomplish can’t be done, it is the opposite. But I have to stay within what makes me productive and not change my mind every five minutes about what I am going to do that day.

Yesterday was the worst of it. My concentration was wavering since the moment I opened my eyes. I tried to write to get my mind straight, and it failed. I quicknicolas-leclercq-751903-unsplash.jpgly switched to editing to no avail. I thought, okay James, let’s play a video game. That lasted about two minutes. Maybe it was the game? Nope. The next game on the list failed to keep my attention. I worked on my blog for a bit answering questions and blog surfing. Even that became too much. I could feel myself falling. It wasn’t long before I could feel a shift in my mood– this time depression began to creep in.

So, I sat down and wrote this blog post. It was the most productive thing I could do, and even this most likely won’t go down as my best work. It was important to me to not only share this experience, as it can be impossible to focus when switching back and forth from mania and depression. This mixed episode should make the rest of my evening an and weekend an interesting one.

I know this is just a part of the Bipolar life. Mania comes and goes. What I found particularly interesting when discussing my current episode with mania with my therapist is a lot my mania happens during the summer months. I fail to understand it because I do so much better from May to October with my dperession. When I feel like I can do anything in my writing, it is a good thing, but I have to also understand that not taking my manic side seriously can have some adverse side effects.

I will keep fighting this fight. I will continue

I will continue the narrative here on The Bipolar Writer blog with the hope that one day I will better understand this life. I have come so far, and I have learned so much, but this will always be a fight.

Always Keep Fighting (AKF)

If you want to know where AFK started you must check out this campaign from Jared Padalecki: https://represent.com/store/jared

He doesn’t pay me to advertise, but I have bought many AKF shirts and hoodies over the last few years. I love that somoone famous is trying to do good for the mental illness community that he is a part of.

James Edgar Skye

Photo Credit:

Johannes Roth

Edward Polo

nicolas leclercq

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28 Replies to “My Recent Mania – This Bipolar Life”

  1. I was told just this past Thursday that I might be bipolar because of lack of sleep and a need to be up doing things. I’ve always had insomnia but this was new. It’s definitely confusing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just be careful. Sometimes doctors miss-diagnosis. Don’t let them start medications until you research them for the side effects. I made that mistake early on even though I am Bipolar.

      Like

      1. Totally agree. I didn’t start the new one yet. Thanks for the advice!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry to hear that James, I can relate with not being able to sleep and from time to time I can’t get my mind to consintrate on one thing it’s very annoying.
    I hope you win the battle some day soon James.

    ❤️✌️
    BY FOR NOW

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I understand. I am, unfortunately, very familiar with what you’ve described. My hope is that you, myself, and everyone who deals with this will find peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am with you on this. I am Bipolar I with rapid cycling, and I’m about to slip into a manic episode. I seldom have to deal with depression. Mania is a constant problem. I don’t like myself when I’m manic; I’m a sneaky, self-serving liar, and I just can’t help myself, which my husband finds hard to believe. What will I do next? I don’t know, but it probably won’t be good.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know what you mean. My manic side tends to bring out parts of me that don’t seem a part of who I am, but The unpredictable nature of mania can be dangerous. I think that is why my therapist wants to monitor so closely.

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      1. I’m in the middle of a manic episode in overdrive. I’m writing a post about this one. Look for it soon.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I think posts in the moment of difficulty are helpful, so thank you for posting. I wasn’t familiar with the AKF campaign, although I knew Jared had been public with his mental health struggles. I recently ordered a hoodie from an organization that donates part of the profits to anxiety & depression research – Outrun the Dark. I like the message and I’m trying to get back into jogging – because exercise helps my anxiety. This is that website https://outrunthedark.com

    I have no reason to share it other than just to share it.

    Keep fighting, Jessica

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  6. I am very sorry with the ordeals your daily life gives you. Keep up with the narrative and I will give you all the support I can from here.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My daughter was told she was schizophrenia, and bipolar with manic depression. And I have had the hardest time to understand how she got this way. She is a single mother of two, of whom I have now. And I read as much as I can trying to understand just how her moods control her every aspect of her life. The main thing that I have still not figured out, is how she could have walked away from her two babies. I understand it’s so hard for you guys that have it, must it seems harder on the ones that love and care for you two.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is very hard for the ones that love us. I can’t imagine how hard it was for your daughter to walk away. I wish I had an answer other than your daughter is not in her right mind. In my worst, I didn’t care about anyone but myself. I needed to work through the worst of who I was. I hope your daughter finds her way and you are not too hard on her.

      Like

    1. I have tried them all with little no help. My not sleeping is a major issue. Only thing that works is a high dosage of my Seroquel that gets me some sleep.

      Like

      1. I never slept very restorative on meds but last resort you have to. I can hardly have any caffeine or sugar and I also started taking an ashwaganda supplement because I realized cortisol from stress was a big factor for me. It’s working for now, you know how it is though. It’s a moving target. I’ve been exploring a number of things on my blog. Only time will tell

        Liked by 1 person

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