Depression for Dummies

Hi. I’m Chelsea, and I am married to a wonderful, talented, intelligent man who is pretty dumb when it comes to mental illness.

Perhaps you know someone like this. Your bright, helpful person may be a friend, parent, brother, sister, or boss. As well-meaning as he or she might pretend to be, this acquaintance just doesn’t get it. Worse, he or she is often so inept that whenever effort is made, you feel he or she constantly places a clumsy finger right on a fresh bruise and pushes.

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But our friends and family don’t have to be idiots. Honestly, we really need love and support for our mental health and we can be tough nuts to crack.

In light of that, I’ve developed a helpful guide. I call it The Depressive Feelings/Better Responses Guide (of Science). Just whip this puppy out whenever you want to whip them upside the head and you’ll both feel better:

  1. When someone says that he is feeling depressed, a cheery life aphorism like, “Life isn’t all bad,” “Don’t worry; be happy,” or “The sun’ll come out tomorrow” isn’t helpful. At all.
    Instead, try, “I understand that you are feeling depressed.” This may easily be followed by, “I’d like to help alleviate some of your stress. Can I clean your whole kitchen for you?,” or “…I happen to know that chocolate is half-off at the store. I’ll be right back with a pound or two.”
  2. If a depressed person says she feels hopeless; that everything in life is hard: the incorrect response is to point out how easy her life is. Please oh please do not say, “But you don’t have any serious issues like cancer or your arms falling off.”
    A better answer? “Let’s address your concerns one at a time. Maybe you could write a list, then we can come up with a solution for each one.”
    Or simply listen, without criticism. Some people just really need an ear to dump in.
  3. How about fatigue? Do you tell someone with depression that he shouldn’t be tired? That he should get to bed earlier? No, silly. He knows he should get to bed earlier; worrying about how he needs to sleep is one of the things that kept him up.
    Validate the feelings of the tired person. A passable idea might be to describe a cool idea you read recently -about writing all of one’s concerns on a paper by the side of the bed at night. Maybe you have a really boring book you could lend him.
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  4. Let’s say she is feeling poorly about herself. Her self-esteem is in the toilet of the deep, dark dungeon of the evil underworld troll king’s nephew. Do not advise a person with depressive tendencies that, “You’re a great person,” or how many talents she has and how she has the potential for so much more.
    Telling a depressed person of wasted potential will bring on a crying fit. You’re just backing up the mean little voice already in her head (herself).
    One of the best things to say is that you like her, that you like a specific thing about her (say, her ability to come up with Britney Spears song lyrics at the drop of a hat). Try to turn the focus on something else, especially if that is on a happy memory.
  5. When someone with depressive tendencies withdraws from life, reach out. You need to act if he does one of the following: not answering texts, appearing less-frequently online, and even telling people, “Goodbye.”
    If you can’t go, try to get his family or other friends to physically check in. Even a vocal phone call is better than a text. A visit is better than an e-mail. A long, in-person conversation is better than a social media message.

I have a difficult time with about everything in life due to a negative perspective and very little self-motivation. I need my husband, my few friends, and my family. Theirs are the hands that reach into the cave of my mind and pull me to safety.

With specific directions like this, we can work toward loving the hand that reaches. At the very least, we won’t feel like slapping it away.

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Picture credits:
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43 Replies to “Depression for Dummies”

  1. Hello Chelsea this is J E S mom, just wanted to say that your guide is a great idea, i have learned over the years with J E S how to say things to him and how not to say them, his dad is still learning he is of the school just kick them in the butt and they will get over it! We are slowly teaching him though. Thank you for you post on my son’s blog.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hello, James’s mom. Pleased to meet you. My husband is of a similar school of thought as yours, so his perspective and our conversations were my inspiration. 🙂
      Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I do hope these ideas help people.

      Like

  2. What a great piece! If it hasn’t appeared in a magazine yet, it should!

    I got a comment on my FB the other day that … I was posting about the paralyzing lethargy that accompanies a bout of depression, and this guy made the well meaning comment of “we can do anything we put our minds to.” … which I know… but the point I was making was that for depressed people doing simple things that “Normal” people do, feels like climbing a mountain. He missed the point and came off as condescending.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! 🙂
      I hear uplifting aphorisms from well-meaning people and also feel worse for them. (I even ranted in a blog post). Understanding is a far better choice than prim lecturing.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Well said and beautifully put! You’re so right … It’s astounding the ignorance that is still out there – we need to shout your guide from the rooftops! Xx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thanks for sharing, this is great. To be honest I think we could all become more informed about mental illness. What do you think is the most common misconception?

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Nice post Chelsea, yes those same simple little tasks that take so much effort to do normal people just don’t get it and that just adds to the frustration of doing them.

        ❤️✌️
        BY FOR NOW

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ll have my boyfriend read this. He’s like Mary Poppins whenever I’m in a fit of depression. I somehow manage to twist even the nicest things he say. Maybe this will enlighten him 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hi Chelsea, Very good guide and helpful tips on ways to help. My husband has bipolar (he’s more depressed-manic) and has a really difficult time trying to figure out life. I continue to help “guide” or assist him, but he gets frustrated and I back away. I’ll keep some of your tips in mind when I’m trying to help next time.

    SW
    Married & Mental

    Liked by 2 people

    1. SW,

      Bless you for your support. I hope I didn’t offend you with words like ‘idiot.’ 😀 It’s all in good love.
      I find being nice so very difficult when I’m in the throes of depression, yet need love and support so much.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Yes yes yes. I appreciate this. Thank you. I never know how to describe what is wrong with what people say to me, I mean what makes me sink deeper into my pit, but this is it exactly.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re welcome. I actually wrote from one of those ‘should have said that’ moments after the fact. You know, how you think of great responses but the person who ticked you off is long gone. 😀

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Lol yep. I do that. I have my grandpa’s trait of having a conversation with the person in my head where I get all riled up and after they do something so many times with me say anything, then it hits me it bothers me and they get a full manifesto. I’m going to share this with my boyfriend. He tries so hard and he is amazing in terms of support but he always, always puts his foot in his mouth.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Ha ha! I do THAT, too! Maybe ‘ silent conversation buildup’ is a Depression trait, too.
        …I wrote this inspired by my husband (as it said) but haven’t had the guts to outright let him read it yet!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Thanks for the great tips Chelsea and for sharing James. I’ve been on both sides of this; being depressed and receiving unhelpful suggestions, and giving unhelpful comments to people suffering. I’m learning about accepting my feelings, empathy, and helpful responses.

    Liked by 3 people

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