Hitting Rock Bottom

As I sit outside my job, on a smoke break, I pen this “article” in one of the worst depressive episodes I have had since 2011. For those of you who don’t know, that was the year in which I last seriously attempted to take my own life. I cannot even count how many times the thought of taking my life has passed through my head today. Everything looks to be an opportunity to end it all. Broken glass, a vending machine, an electrical outlet, my belt, a tree, they all seem to call to me to just do it.

What possibly makes this worse than my episode in 2011, is that I don’t even want to die. The thought of dying suddenly seems to be more effort than it’s worth. I am so depressed that dying doesn’t even seem like it could end my suffering. Which I suppose is a good thing, not wanting to die. Yet, it feels like it is so much worse. That even by ending my life I won’t be released from this torment. I know that I probably sound very dramatic right now, and you’re probably right. I just have no idea what to do with myself. So, I smoke my cigarettes, do my job, and just listlessly drift through my existence for today. I managed to eat lunch, despite my appetite not being there, which is another good thing I suppose. I just feel so lost, the comfort that I usually felt with suicidal thoughts is no longer there, and I just don’t know what to feel.

I thought about going to the hospital, checking myself into an inpatient program. Yet, that even feels like it could cause more harm than good. I just don’t know how to ease my suffering, which is something entirely new to me. I figured that about 10 years of being depressed that it could no longer surprise me. Alas, here I am, completely caught off guard, and stuck. So I write this just to pass the time really. I know myself well enough to know that sleep is my best ally, and I hope that when I wake in the morning, at least some of this indescribable feeling will have subsided. For now, I continue my drifting existence, with a small glimmer of hope, wish me luck.

Yours,

Wolfgang

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51 Replies to “Hitting Rock Bottom”

  1. My heart goes out to you Alan. I understand your pain and the helplessness of believing things are never going to improve. All we can do is hope really. I’ll hope for you to feel better in yourself really soon. Take care of yourself xx

    Liked by 6 people

  2. I don’t have any qualifications to help you, but I at least wanted you to know I care. And I know I can’t be the only one. I wanted to remind you, as I see this on this blog everyday, to always keep fighting – AFK. Hugs to you. This took a lot to share.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Thanks for taking the time to wrote your feelings. I know for me it helps, hopefully it helped you as well. To know that people are reading your words and can relate to how you are feeling. Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I know how that feels. I spend almost every day like that, and it’s exhausting. The key is to find something that calms your thought process down, even for a little while.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. There are days where I don’t even leave my room, so I know what that’s like. Stay strong and keep fighting. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. You need a counselor, therapist, psychologist, whatever. If inpatient’s the best, do that.
    You’re a very intelligent person with excellent writing skills. I look forward to your ‘articles,’ no matter how depressive. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Progress takes forever! I try to remember that the depressive habits have been in place for decades so recovery might take longer than a session or two. :/

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Sorry to hear that Alan, I’ve been there my self but there is a way out of that rabbit hole it just takes time to get there, stay strong AKF.

        ❤️✌️
        BY FOR NOW

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for being so vulnerable and open on this site. I love how you understand how you feel and are in-tune with your emotions and what they mean. I can totally relate to not wanting to exist anymore but i’m sure you know that others don’t feel that about you! This is a disease, an illness and it does NOT define you. Keep fighting and stay confident that there are people who care about you and are here for you if you need it. Your blog is important and reaches so many. Praying for you!!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Depression is so depressing… My last post talks about how I seem to go through life like a Borg some days… Feeling at times that I’m watching life lived out on a TV
    The
    Glad you are still around… Just putting one foot ahead is hard at times… I’ve found help through Celebrate Recovery… I’m not “preaching” just saying what has helped…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow. The way you expressed everything in this blog is impressive. A applaud you Wolfgang. You are very brave. I felt like you were pulling your thoughts and feeling from me. You are not alone. If you can do it I can do it. If I can do it you can do it. It’s a fight. Let’s keep fighting.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a horrific period. I can understand what you’re feeling. I hope you find your way through the black fog soon. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I definitely can empathize with you in feeling this way. I just want to say that you’re not being dramatic. While others may see it that way, the people who’ve really experienced what it feels like to be in such a dark episode can completely understand the way you are feeling. It’s scary, being in this mindset. I really hope you can find something to help get you out of this rut, & soon. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. xo

    Liked by 2 people

  10. One day at a time, or 12 hour segments a time. You will get through it. Remember to be kind to yourself despite the negative thoughts. We never realise how much strength we have till we are clinging on…. if you need a chat theres a contact button on my blog. Good luck mate

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. There’s no easy answer. What I find helpful is to measure my day by hours or minutes (rather than by the full day) I used think that by waking up feeling awful, my whole day was a write off, and sometimes it is, but now I tell myself that if this hour is bad, that’s fine – I’ll just try and make the next hour better. It can lead to odd days, where I’m up and down like a yoyo, but then at the end of the day I think, well at least half the day was OK. This might not work for you though, we’re all different. I hope you find your way to a better place – the night always fades to day – even if the night can feel endless x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Very good advice. I suffer from bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder. I’ve just come out of a very depressive phase – well today was much better than the last two months so I think it’s starting to get better now. But taking things an hour by hour DOES work. I recently started a lifestyle blog where I focus a lot on mental health.
      http://www.livingwithdirection.wordpress.com

      Like

      1. Glad you’re starting to feel better. I checked out your blog, and it is really nice looking, and the articles are very informative! I followed you and look forward to your work. If you’d like, check out my personal blog at smileswebear.com

        Like

  12. There aren’t any words that I can think of that will make you feel better or make it better but I honestly do hope that it does. There is always someone who is willing to listen and help you through the tough times. Keep your head up! I have faith in you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I believe that I’ll feel better sooner or later. I have cyclical depression cycles. So I’ll recover eventually

      Like

  13. I hope you are doing better Alan. One feels so alone when in a depressed phase. Hang in there.

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