Learning to Accept the Small Victories

Sometimes I don’t know where I get the strength to go out into the world. I have days where it feels like everyone startles me. My chest pounds the whole day and I don’t know the cause of my panic attack. I still have night terrors. They aren’t often but the nightmares are always the same. I’m trapped or paralyzed and some creature, always something different, comes after me. My interpretation is I feel trapped everyday like I’m submerged in quicksand slowly being swallowed and sinking into darkness. Some days nowhere feels safe.

During those day long panics, I try to say busy. Sometimes this helps distract me to get through the day. Other times the distraction is enough to stop the panic. If I don’t have work, I devise projects to stay occupied. I write fiction and poetry, I read, binge watch TV or movies while cooking. I feel accomplished when completing tasks, but then I worry that I’ve run out of things to stay busy. I’ve run out of distractions. So, I have an unending list of projects and ideas. A To-Do List that never ends. Unfortunately, my distractions rarely involve people.

I hear people talk about their best friends they see every week or every day. I’ve only recently started talking to someone regularly and that’s still new for me. The people I see the most are coworkers and roommates, back when I had roommates. Otherwise, it’s like I don’t exist if people don’t see me. Other people usually don’t offer much for distractions. I rarely get invites, and if I do, I often don’t go. Most of my hobbies are solo tasks like reading or writing. I want to share experiences with someone, but most people irritate me or cause panic.

Some days are better than others. On good days, I can be super productive, have a positive attitude, and get a full night’s sleep. Not every day is bad and not every day is good. Most days are somewhere in between. I accomplish some things and sleep more than half the night. The small victories keep me together. Always appreciate the small things. Most days that’s where my strength come from. I have more average days than I used to. Every day that isn’t bad is a small victory. I hope that leads to more good days. Those days where my chest isn’t pounding for unknown reasons.

Photo Credit: rawpixel

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8 Replies to “Learning to Accept the Small Victories”

  1. Great post! Small victories sometimes lead to bigger and bigger victories.

    And also, it’s completely okay to do things solo. Even though I’m working on that, I been going to markets solo for a while….I’m even doing a solo trip next month (to a conference) and going solo to restaurants is on my radar.

    🙂

  2. Thanks for this post. I’ve gone through times when I feel like that, too. It’s nice to know that others are going through something similar–that it’s not just you. It’s good that you’re keeping busy. It sounds like you’re a very productive person. Good luck.

  3. I admire your positivity and your determination to stay moving despite what sound like exhausting panic. I think a lot of senior citizens are lonely and like you say “don’t exist if people don’t see” them.  It occurs to me that you would be a great support to somebody elderly and maybe housebound as they often, don’t have a friend they see every day or even every week. Very honest and insightful post!

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