Learning to Accept the Small Victories

Sometimes I don’t know where I get the strength to go out into the world. I have days where it feels like everyone startles me. My chest pounds the whole day and I don’t know the cause of my panic attack. I still have night terrors. They aren’t often but the nightmares are always the same. I’m trapped or paralyzed and some creature, always something different, comes after me. My interpretation is I feel trapped everyday like I’m submerged in quicksand slowly being swallowed and sinking into darkness. Some days nowhere feels safe.

During those day long panics, I try to say busy. Sometimes this helps distract me to get through the day. Other times the distraction is enough to stop the panic. If I don’t have work, I devise projects to stay occupied. I write fiction and poetry, I read, binge watch TV or movies while cooking. I feel accomplished when completing tasks, but then I worry that I’ve run out of things to stay busy. I’ve run out of distractions. So, I have an unending list of projects and ideas. A To-Do List that never ends. Unfortunately, my distractions rarely involve people.

I hear people talk about their best friends they see every week or every day. I’ve only recently started talking to someone regularly and that’s still new for me. The people I see the most are coworkers and roommates, back when I had roommates. Otherwise, it’s like I don’t exist if people don’t see me. Other people usually don’t offer much for distractions. I rarely get invites, and if I do, I often don’t go. Most of my hobbies are solo tasks like reading or writing. I want to share experiences with someone, but most people irritate me or cause panic.

Some days are better than others. On good days, I can be super productive, have a positive attitude, and get a full night’s sleep. Not every day is bad and not every day is good. Most days are somewhere in between. I accomplish some things and sleep more than half the night. The small victories keep me together. Always appreciate the small things. Most days that’s where my strength come from. I have more average days than I used to. Every day that isn’t bad is a small victory. I hope that leads to more good days. Those days where my chest isn’t pounding for unknown reasons.

Photo Credit: rawpixel

8 Replies to “Learning to Accept the Small Victories”

  1. Same victories can be huge. It feels good to accomplish the smallest thing when riddled with anxiety…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Great post! Small victories sometimes lead to bigger and bigger victories.

    And also, it’s completely okay to do things solo. Even though I’m working on that, I been going to markets solo for a while….I’m even doing a solo trip next month (to a conference) and going solo to restaurants is on my radar.

    🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thanks for this post. I’ve gone through times when I feel like that, too. It’s nice to know that others are going through something similar–that it’s not just you. It’s good that you’re keeping busy. It sounds like you’re a very productive person. Good luck.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I admire your positivity and your determination to stay moving despite what sound like exhausting panic. I think a lot of senior citizens are lonely and like you say “don’t exist if people don’t see” them.  It occurs to me that you would be a great support to somebody elderly and maybe housebound as they often, don’t have a friend they see every day or even every week. Very honest and insightful post!

    Liked by 1 person

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