I know it is not the healthiest thing to look back. If it were not for my memoir or this blog, I would probably spend way too much time dwelling on “what could have been.”
Would my life be different if I would have accepted my illness and not lose three or four years of my journey with lost years? My life is truly blessed. I have marketable skills that I can use to better my life. I am in the right place despite my struggles with Bipolar disorder, social anxiety, and insomnia. I am in the right place with my mental health and my writing. There are those who have it much harder than me and so many beginning their mental illness journey. I consider myself a veteran and someone who can use this platform a place where people can learn from my experience. But, a writer, my imagination is always moving, and it is hard not to dream about life without my mental illnesses.
I have lost so much in this journey, but I have gained so much more but wishing my life might have been different without this illness is something that just happens sometimes in this life. I think about relationships lost because of my disease and how I have become so comfortable alone– it kinda scares me because it suits me.
So from time to time I give myself a break and let my mind wander. It is also the time when I am at my most creative. In fact, my screenplay is based loosely on my life, but I used the platform to imagine if I would have stayed with my last girlfriend. It turned out to be a great screenplay, and it helped me move on in so many ways.
It is okay to say “Sometimes I wish…”
You learn a lot about yourself. That is where I was at last night. Thinking about the “what if’s” and to be honest I feel better of where I am and where I am going. It is nice to imagine, but my journey is exactly where it supposed to be. Sure I like to think about the “what if’s” but I would not change anything because I am the best version of me– even if that is someone with a mental illness. I am secure in my mental illness.
Always Keep Fighting (AKF)