I wrote this about a week ago after a visit from my parents. My PTSD was triggered significantly after only seeing them briefly, but I made it through once again. What an indescribable joy it is to feel peace and wellness after being consumed with overwhelming anxiety, anger, sorrow, shame, regret and suicidal ideations again. Plus, what a spectacular feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment it is to overcome after becoming undone.
My childhood and life experiences may not have been a warzone, but I can experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) just the same.
The ripple effect of PTSD and mental illness is like a Tsunami. I learned I must prepare for the Hurricane’s arrival by fleeing the scene or not going anywhere near the presence of the storm to begin with. I must stay away from the destructive properties of the storm for my own safety, survival and well-being and for the lives, well-being and happiness of others.
A Tsunami is a ferocious dangerous storm that does not care who it hurts. A Tsunami is never good and there is nothing good about it. It does not discriminate and has an eye and deceptive mind of its own destroying everything in its path. I must stay away from the eye of the storm—his piercing destructive glare wounds deeply.
I must avoid the storm from hitting again. The mere thought of it sends shivers throughout my entire body causing panic, terror, anger and sorrow from memories of past abuse, pain and destruction. Even if I do not know the outcome of the storm, I can never take a chance. It is not worth the amount of work and energy it takes to recover. The risk is too great and the wounds and destruction are too painful and sometimes costly. I have had to struggle to survive and overcome too many past storms the Tsunamis in my life have caused throughout my lifetime and I will never do it AGAIN. I am finished with this natural disaster in my life.
One of the huge problems with this storm is the lifelong damage it has caused and maybe even greater is that this storm continues to destruct. It will not die, go away, change its path or course of destruction it chooses. It sometimes just selects different victims which actually wounds me even MORE. I could not stop this storm myself and I can’t protect the other victims as much as I should have. This saddens me as well. This storm continues to be a mean beast of a storm wounding and damaging others in its lifelong destructive path. I have not been the only victim. I must stay away from the evil eye of the storm… and warn and protect others… if only I could.
We must stop abusers and bullies, all bullies. Sometimes the biggest and scariest bullies live in our own homes. Then there is no place to go for safety or protection The person or people who are supposed to protect you the most are the ones that hurt you the most. Who can you trust? It makes it a lonely, scary and unhappy place to live.
How can we help those we do not know need help? We need to educate. If when I was young I knew how dysfunctional my family was and I had someone to talk to, maybe I could have gotten help. I will never know that, but I pray no one will ever have to go through what I did. So, I continue to talk, to educate, to inform, to start dialogs. I am trying but I know I am not doing enough. I pray I can do more. I pray God will show me the direction I need to go so that I can best help myself and help others at the same time.
Please keep fighting and keep keeping on. Please do not let suicidal thoughts ever win.
I must confess that after the visit from my own Tsunami this past weekend, I was triggered and my brain took over. I went to my past thoughts. My hope. My way out. My only way I thought I had to end my pain. The only thing in the past that gave me comfort, peace and hope. As sad as that was for so many years of my life, suicide was my hope. I saw no other way out. Please fight those thoughts. I had to fight through them again over the last two nights. I fought and I won again. I will never let that storm or storms win. I beat that storm before and I will beat it again and again. So can all of you.
I know from experience that it will get better and suicide is not the answer. Recovery is possible. Look out for YOU. Take care of you and know that you matter and you have a huge value and purpose in this world.
For me, the answer is Jesus. Jesus saves. Jesus saved my life numerous times. He can and will save yours too. Let Jesus help you. Let Jesus enter your life and heart.
Open your heart to Him. Have a relationship with Jesus. I guarantee you it is the best relationship you will EVER HAVE!
Have hope and faith. It does better. Pray and pray some more. Have people pray for you. Have them lay their hands on you and pray. Get on your hands and knees and pray. It works. I am telling you it works.
God answers prayers. Recovery is possible. I am living proof of that.
To pray is to let go and let God take over. ~Philippians 4:6-7
Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | myloudbipolarwhispers.com | All Rights Reserved