Today I am sharing a story of a fellow blogger Jemma who asked to share her story on The Bipolar Writer blog.
I hate talking about my own experiences, as I’m always scared of getting judged. I think though, if people read my story, maybe they could relate, and it could somewhat help them.
It’s about that time when I almost took my own life.
I grew up with my grandparents, they were my real family. My gran was my mum, as far as I was concerned. I got bullied a lot through school and didn’t have many friends. My gran was my best friend, she was there for me no matter what and helped me through everything. She was my absolute diamond. I did everything with my gran, I was always by her side.
Until she got diagnosed with cancer, she had a very tough fight with cancer. She got the usual Chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatment. In fact, she was reacting great to the last steps of the process.
Then one day, the first day back at school. I was on the bus home from school, and my friend (My next door neighbor) got a phone call from her mum and started crying, she just wouldn’t tell me what was up. Deep down I had a feeling.
So my friend and I got off the school bus and walked up to outside of our houses. Where we shared a cuddle and told each other, we’d catch up later.
Then I continued on into my house. (My grandparents’ house) where I was greeted by my two uncles. I knew something was up straight away. All I could hear was the voices of everyone in the living room chatting and crying. My uncle Robert was about to tell me, and he didn’t get a word out whereas I just interrupted and just managed to slip out the words. “I know.” And he just nodded and hugged me. I felt like my heart was going to explode. It was beating so fast, the feeling was so overwhelming. I just ran up the stairs to my bedroom and literally fell to the floor and cried my eyes out for hours.
People kept coming up to my bedroom, asking if I was okay, I just kept pushing everyone away. I just wanted to be alone.
Everywhere I looked it reminded me of my Gran. All I kept thinking was ‘Why?’ So many questions jumping about inside my head, with no possible answer.
After about 2 hours straight of crying. I finally picked myself up off the floor and picked up a photo of my gran and I and headed over to my bed.
Where I sat for about 20mins thinking ‘it should have been me, she didn’t deserve this.’ And every other thought that ran through my head at the time. Bringing me down to the lowest.
And at the darkest and hardest time of my life. Where I just felt very alone. My bestest friend ever was never going to be with me again. I felt like I had no one. Everything was taken away from me. All the negative thoughts going through my head, I felt like I was going to explode. I didn’t want to be here. I felt like I had no options left anymore.
So, I reached over to my make up bag and started to take the blade out of an eye pencil sharpener. When I finally got it out, I played with it in my hands for about 5mins, maybe contemplating what I was actually doing? No, actually figuring out how deep I was going to do it. Fucked up right? Well, that’s not at all.. I was 100% sure I wasn’t going to wake up from this. So, I got the blade and put it straight down my arm, the first cut was actually the sharpest pain I’ve ever felt in my life. But it was I was so relieved for that split second of pain. So, I continued to cut my arms and wrists until I was totally numb and couldn’t feel anything at all.
Next thing I knew, there was blood everywhere.. all over my bed and me, I was feeling dizzy, everything was blurry, and I felt sick. I was freaking out inside, but I never shouted for help. ‘This is it’ I thought to myself. Everything actually flashed before my eyes, I saw myself winning that goldfish at the funfair, I saw my gran and me at the beach when I was little. Everything. Then nothing.
Next thing I heard was ‘there’s so much blood, get her help, hurry up!’ I couldn’t recognize anyone or anything. But, I got woke up by my uncle Robert, shaking me and screaming at me. And I was on the floor. Everyone was standing all around me. I didn’t have a clue what was going on. All I could see was blood, so I panicked. I didn’t know what had just happened.
My two uncle’s carried me downstairs and brought me back around. They managed to calm me down, got me cleaned up, got me changed and sat down and explained to me that they heard a bang and came up straight away. They explained it as I hurt myself that badly, I must have passed out and fallen on to the floor. They actually thought I was dead when they found me.
The pain I felt was unbearable. I had bandages wrapped around my arms and wrists. I couldn’t believe what actually just happened. What I actually just done to myself.
And, I didn’t want to admit for months that I tried to take my own life. But that’s the reality of it, I did try to take my own life. Simply because I was at a very hard time of my life and didn’t speak to anyone about the problems I had.
Now, after years of missing my gran and dealing with the stresses of life, I will admit I did try to take my own life, and I also did continued to cut myself as a coping mechanism, for a little while, but it only helps for a short time. When, in the end, all you are left with is scars, and all of the problems are still there.
It’s such a cliché thing to say ‘talk about your problems it’ll help.’ But, talking about my problems is the best thing that I’ve ever done. And, I’ve never looked back. You just got to find that certain trust in someone and open up to them. Then you’ll realize you don’t get judged, other people are dealing with the same things as you, you are not alone. And, you are a lot stronger than you think.
I am always here for anyone who would like to talk about absolutely anything, just drop me a little e-mail @ firstname.lastname@example.org
Take care readers,
Lots of love,