What a week, and it is only Thursday (and no the guy in the picture is not me, but this picture encompasses how I feel at the moment.) I have been through an emotional rollercoaster of sorts this week. If you haven’t read my piece earlier in the week, A Mental Health Post – Trouble on the Horizon, then you may want to read it before reading further.
I have a significant sense of relief–finally. The uncertain future, while still doubt, will for the foreseeable have some stability. I was able to get my Ativan refilled from now until February of 2018. That at least is something, and I can go about my business to close out the remaining weeks ahead.
I have been thinking a lot about my social anxiety this week.
It never occurred to me that Ativan has become a crutch in my life. I rely on it more and more throughout the last two years. It always seems less and less effective. The answer at the beginning of the year was to increase, and while it worked for a while, it just feels wrong lately. Let’s be honest, I am not dealing well with my social anxiety, it is more about living with the issues and not solving anything. I thought it was possible to let the anxiety run my life and save fixing it for another day.
As I sit here, writing this really early blog post a lot is going through my head. I have made some mistakes this past two years with my anxiety. It was almost six years before I got to the point where my depression day-to-day was manageable. To the point where I am not really depressed for long periods of my life.
But, I don’t want it to be the same with my anxiety. Taking six years to fix my anxiety is not acceptable to me. I want to travel. I want to write. I want to live life with as minimal interference with my mental illness. I want to be better than I was yesterday. It means real changes. It means that I have to take my social anxiety serious. I need to talk with my doctors about getting off Ativan someday–soon. For the first time since starting this blog I have felt truly lost, and yet it is the community that got me through this week.
Life is funny that way. I wonder if I didn’t have this blog to fall back on how I would have handled this past week. Thank you to all who helped me. You mean the world to me.
Always Keep Fighting
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I am almost done editing my memoir “The Bipolar Writer,” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. I am still working towards enough to pay an artist for a good cover. Those that donate will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!