The Realness

Language warning

The most difficult aspect of mental illness for me to come to terms with has been its control.

I have been able to categorize life with mental illness as far as my case is concerned.

  • Living with mental illness: days of bliss when you would have to convince me that I have mental illness.
  • Maintaining my mental illness: days of monitoring my feelings and “controlling” them so they do not reach extremes.
  • Mental illness is a part of me: days of empowerment where I share with the world about my recovery from mental illness.
  • Not feeling right: days of aggravation that can lead to anger outburst if not closely monitored. source? never apparent or definable
  • Struggling with mental illness: days where no matter your coping mechanisms, you are shown that while you would like to think you can control your symptoms, you are proved wrong. You have no control whatsoever.
  • Sick: hospitalized

Of all of these days, the worst for me is the struggle. No matter what you do to try and distract yourself from what is going on within you, it makes itself known. You try to implement the coping mechanisms you’ve been taught. Your attention may be elsewhere but guess what?? It will remind you through ways of struggle. Struggle to breathe, struggle to focus, struggle to think, struggle to communicate, struggle to find the will to live. The fucking struggle!

My personal stats for today do not look too good. My mind has once again brought me to my knees reminding me that no matter what I do, it will always be more powerful than me. No amount of counseling or coping skills can change this. Sure it lessens the blow but it doesn’t change the fact that I am basically …. mentally ill.

Have you ever been out of control? Has your mind ever tried to convince you that you are a waste of space? Has your mind knocked on your egos door and ran away laughing? Have you ever been reduced to nothing, by your mind? Have you done everything in your power to ensure days of living with mental illness when in reality you are met with days of struggle?

Life with mental illness ultimately means that you are not in control. You are at the mercy of your molecules, your unbalanced chemistry which has no sympathy for what you had planned for the day, much less how you wanted to feel. Mental illness is real and for those of you who question it, fuck you because today I am struggling.


My life lived with bipolar 1, mild OCD and anxiety

oh, how dare I forget? and a substance abuser!

Today, they all fought for attention

Today’s personal stats:

Mental illness: 10

Me: 0

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16 Replies to “The Realness”

  1. Hang on there, love ❤ Today is a ‘living with mental illness’ day for me, I am having some of them lately post-vacation and trying to chill and be productive as much as I can. I think this is an excellent categorization you did here.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you. I took an Ativan and passed out. I only take those in emergency cases and I held out all day before I took it. I woke sore from struggling to breathe but I am hoping for a much better day today❤

      Like

  2. I know this struggle well and it’s miserable at times. So sorry you are in the pits of it. You may not be in control of your feelings (thank you to our brain chemicals) but you are 100% in control of your actions. When your mental illness tells you that you’re a waste of space (it lies!), you get to fight back with some kind measures to prove it wrong. You get to challenge it by writing something lovely like this that others can see and identify with, which proves that you certainly are not a waste of anything and are actually super important in the world.

    Hang in there x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You framed it so well. It is the struggle that can be so discouraging and frustrating. For me it is the depression that comes back and tries to overtake me and darken my days. Some days I convince myself I have overcome it, then the next day I feel like I have only deceived myself and I feel like depression is winning. Reading your post helped me to gain some insight on this struggle. I appreciate your sharing your feelings. Thanks.

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  4. The f’ing struggle is just that! I pray you to find more peace in your head. I get it too. Somedays it’s like Really more crap. Stay strong you’re not alone on this path. I pray God blesses you with peace and happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Did you read my mind? There’s no better way to put it than you’ve written it here. You gave all of us who fight it language to borrow for the pain. I’ve told Amy time and again that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. We’ve been given each other to encourage through this medium, and I thank my God for your courage dear one.

    Liked by 1 person

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