The most difficult aspect of mental illness for me to come to terms with has been its control.
I have been able to categorize life with mental illness as far as my case is concerned.
- Living with mental illness: days of bliss when you would have to convince me that I have mental illness.
- Maintaining my mental illness: days of monitoring my feelings and “controlling” them so they do not reach extremes.
- Mental illness is a part of me: days of empowerment where I share with the world about my recovery from mental illness.
- Not feeling right: days of aggravation that can lead to anger outburst if not closely monitored. source? never apparent or definable
- Struggling with mental illness: days where no matter your coping mechanisms, you are shown that while you would like to think you can control your symptoms, you are proved wrong. You have no control whatsoever.
- Sick: hospitalized
Of all of these days, the worst for me is the struggle. No matter what you do to try and distract yourself from what is going on within you, it makes itself known. You try to implement the coping mechanisms you’ve been taught. Your attention may be elsewhere but guess what?? It will remind you through ways of struggle. Struggle to breathe, struggle to focus, struggle to think, struggle to communicate, struggle to find the will to live. The fucking struggle!
My personal stats for today do not look too good. My mind has once again brought me to my knees reminding me that no matter what I do, it will always be more powerful than me. No amount of counseling or coping skills can change this. Sure it lessens the blow but it doesn’t change the fact that I am basically …. mentally ill.
Have you ever been out of control? Has your mind ever tried to convince you that you are a waste of space? Has your mind knocked on your egos door and ran away laughing? Have you ever been reduced to nothing, by your mind? Have you done everything in your power to ensure days of living with mental illness when in reality you are met with days of struggle?
Life with mental illness ultimately means that you are not in control. You are at the mercy of your molecules, your unbalanced chemistry which has no sympathy for what you had planned for the day, much less how you wanted to feel. Mental illness is real and for those of you who question it, fuck you because today I am struggling.
My life lived with bipolar 1, mild OCD and anxiety
oh, how dare I forget? and a substance abuser!
Today, they all fought for attention
Today’s personal stats:
Mental illness: 10