You know when you are home alone, and every little noise will freak you out? This was not that. I have had this happen. When I was younger, I couldn’t sleep in a room with a tv because I would tell my mom that there were people dancing on it when it was off. Of course, as a child, I was told monsters aren’t real. We all were. Now that I am an adult, I realize that they are in fact very real. It is a topic I have yet to build up the courage to talk about because I am certain it sounds insane. Those bumps in the night can be very real during a manic episode. (Why do they even call it an episode? Feels more like a full series to me.)
My first apartment I was convinced someone was knocking on my door and then running away. I started dosing on pain medication that I would get from friends just to make myself too exhausted to stay awake. I actually hadn’t thought about how long I had gone without being convinced someone was in my house at least once a month. I hadn’t thought about it until it happened again.
I never considered that this could be a part of my bipolar. I never considered that this wasn’t something everyone did. When I told my friend that I didn’t get much sleep because of bumps in the night, she acted like this happens to her. I realize now that everyone gets scared, but I don’t think it is quite as intense.
I am talking up until 4 AM, hysterical crying to the point that I am sick, calling my mother at 28 years old to pick me up, and sleeping for 13 hours because I am exhausted from myself. I was convinced that someone was in my house. I laid in bed for hours knowing my sister was in the next room of the apartment we shared. I was so convinced that I was upset she was going to die because I could not leave my room to help her. I couldn’t leave my room because every time I would walk to my door and try to tell myself this wasn’t real I would break down and run back into bed.
I have scoured the internet in search of confirmation that this is indeed a part of my diagnosis and not something else I will need to medicate for.
Can’t wait to tell my new doctor this one.
Photo Credit: Eric Ward