I am still in awe that November is by far the worst month of every year. In truth, I have so much history this month.
I mark, now, the 11th year since my diagnosis (Thanksgiving week), and it seems with the turn of the calendar (with a little help with the weather and time change) I am always destined to struggle. It is still the same. October I start to feel the change. My mood and mind lose it synchronicity, and I lose faith in all the work I put in the year.
It sucks because I know I am better than all this struggle. I know November is the start of my worst month, in what is always the worst time of the year for me. It is still there, and the struggle seems to find me no matter what I do. I continue to fight, but I lose faith in myself because there seems no way to end the trend. I know everyone right now with a mental illness is struggling. It comes with who we are, but I wanted more out of this time of the year 2018.
I remember a memory from last year. I was sitting at a coffee shop writing my latest post for The Bipolar Writer blog, and also the beginnings of what became my memoir. There was so much hope in my life that last year was going to be the year where November is not so bad. I wanted things to be different.
I am different person than I was last year or even eleven years ago in November. Hell, this time eleven years ago I was downright suicidal. I wanted the constant struggle in my mind to end. I don’t feel that way anymore. My last suicidal thought was years ago. I am not suicidal now, but I feel lost in the struggle, and it feels as if I am sinking slowly again.
Maybe I had a bad day. The best thing that I have learned is to move on to the next. It is the mantra I live by, but in truth I am struggling. The Bipolar Wirter is a little lost. I feel that there is no end at least for a few days.
Stay strong in fight my brothers and sisters.
Always keep Fighting