What is it About November?

kyle-glenn-605470-unsplash.jpgI am still in awe that November is by far the worst month of every year. In truth, I have so much history this month.

I mark, now, the 11th year since my diagnosis (Thanksgiving week), and it seems with the turn of the calendar (with a little help with the weather and time change) I am always destined to struggle. It is still the same. October I start to feel the change.  My mood and mind lose it synchronicity, and I lose faith in all the work I put in the year.

It sucks because I know I am better than all this struggle. I know November is the start of my worst month, in what is always the worst time of the year for me. It is still there, and the struggle seems to find me no matter what I do. I continue to fight, but I lose faith in myself because there seems no way to end the trend. I know everyone right now with a mental illness is struggling. It comes with who we are, but I wanted more out of this time of the year 2018.

ian-chen-522675-unsplash

I remember a memory from last year. I was sitting at a coffee shop writing my latest post for The Bipolar Writer blog, and also the beginnings of what became my memoir. There was so much hope in my life that last year was going to be the year where November is not so bad. I wanted things to be different.

I am different person than I was last year or even eleven years ago in November. Hell, this time eleven years ago I was downright suicidal. I wanted the constant struggle in my mind to end. I don’t feel that way anymore. My last suicidal thought was years ago. I am not suicidal now, but I feel lost in the struggle, and it feels as if I am sinking slowly again.

Maybe I had a bad day. The best thing that I have learned is to move on to the next. It is the mantra I live by, but in truth I am struggling. The Bipolar Wirter is a little lost. I feel that there is no end at least for a few days.

Stay strong in fight my brothers and sisters.

Always keep Fighting

James

Photo Credit:

Trifon Yurukov

Kyle Glenn

Ian Chen

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38 Replies to “What is it About November?”

  1. November can be depressing anyway on account of the downward change in the weather. That affects mental health more than people think. Keep fighting.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m trying a bright light to see if that helps. It seems this far to lift my mood/energy a bit. I wish you success and tomorrow is always a new day!

        Liked by 3 people

  2. Thank you for your words. There are some great songs about November. I think of Tom Waites song particularly. The struggle lives on! I am going to check out more of your blog.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I feel it man. Each year seems to be progressively better than my last (I was diagnosed 15 years ago at 16ish). Yet, every tail end of fall it comes and every year it’s a tiny bit better, but it’s still just this terrible dark cloud over my perspective and mood. It makes me profoundly restless. Like you, I don’t get suicidal as often as I used to, but this time of the year is depresso central. I tend to write more poetry and music this time of year, but it doesn’t make it go away. I guess it just helps me plow through it. Stay strong my friend. Know there are others out there in solidarity.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I feel your struggle. I can relate too. November 2 marked the 11th anniversary of my big mental crisis that required a long-term psychiatric hospitalization. I hate Novembers!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I hope you feel better soon ❤️ I’m here for you. I also feel as if my anxiety increase in these months where there’s less sunshine and daylight. Also I struggle sometimes with Christmas because it feels like we have to be happy when I can’t be that all the time. I understand you. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. November has been especially rough for me ever since I was 12 because my dad died on Nov. 7. Even after all these years, I always think about it. That rocked my whole world and was the first time I realized how scary and uncertain the world and the future really are.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You’re not alone. November is a tough month for me as well. Some of it is the memories of past Novembers, some of it the weather and shorter days. I like your perspective — that at least this year is better than last and certainly better than a few years ago. It may not seem like progress, but it is. Thanks for the encouragement your blog offers. Keep fighting!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. With the return of cold weather, I get a little colder inside too. This is when I must step up self-care or I will succumb to even deeper depression. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, James!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I feel this 100%. In Nov I retire my fishing poles until the ice arrives. Fishing and hiking have been the only ways I find true peace of mind. My bipolar swings flare up in Nov as the two things that heal me are taken by the month. The dread creeps in starting in Oct. I find myself avoiding adult responsibilities to soak in as much fishing and hiking as I can before the time comes when I will have to sit idle. Nov is the worst month for me too. Stay well!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hoping you feel better. I struggle constantly with anxiety. Its a constant sturggle and I undesrtand your words. People think I’m beng a bitch half the time and in all reality I just can’t focus, on anything including them. I can barely focus on my breathing. I find myslef shutting down and spinning out of control. It’s so hard to change your focus especially when it affects everything down to your breathing and racing thoughts. I hope November finds you some good times too. It’s such a beautiful time of year when we can get out of our heads and emotions, (or so I hear).

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I seriously can relate to this! I think I tell myself every November that I will not be in this same position next year around this time mentally or emotionally and somehow I am steady pulling myself out of feeling terrible! I hope the holidays bring you more comfort, contentment and happiness! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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