Eunoia. It was my blogs original name. It is what I called it and it was perfect.
I feel that I have to emphasize my reason for writing. It started as therapeutic and then whenI found myself trying to explain my mental illness to loved ones, it was a conversation filled with questions.I thought, “How many others are struggling to answer these hard questions?”. Surely I wasn’t alone. So why not try to make it easier for those looking for answers? I changed the name of my blog to I’m Not Listening. I allowed it to speak for itself.
I would like to say that I wish I hadn’t. I wish that I had left it as is. My mental illness isn’t always a curse. Sometimes it is a blessing. I hate to say it, but it has taught me some hard lessons.
Eunoia(noun) A state of normal adult mental health.
That isn’t why I chose it. I chose it because of its literal meaning. In Greek in translates to beautiful mind.
I hate my mental illness. I hate that it has consumed my life in so many ways. I hate that I feel like I am stumbling around in the dark feeling desperately for a light switch and everyone else can walk right over and flip it. I hate that my symptoms line up with the cliché. I hear things, I see things, I stay up for hours (and hours and hours and hours) without sleep, sometimes I sleep for days, I am a pathological liar at times, and sometimes I even do irreversible damage to relationships in my life.
Eunoia. I am searching for that constantly. I also have to remind myself that I kind of have that. Mine just looks a little different. I hate that I have to try to be ten steps ahead, but how lucky am I to have such a trait? How lucky am I to (mostly) know my triggers? How fortunate that I have become so in tune with myself? I am compassionate and sympathetic. I am acutely aware of those around me and detail oriented. I know how to spot depression because I live in it for weeks at a time.
Hard conversations? Please. My life is one big hard conversation.
I’m sorry I lost my shit for no reason. Why? Take a seat.
I don’t sleep a lot. Or at all sometimes. Why? Take a seat.
I can’t get out of bed today. Why? You’ll have to come back when I snap out of it and if you choose to come back…take a seat.
Our minds are beautiful. Hell, our minds are gorgeous! We are forced into some of the most awkward situations daily. We have to explain the unexplainable to people constantly. Some understand, and some don’t, but we still do it and we move on. There is a twisted strength and beauty in that. Eunoia.
Love your beautiful mind.