You’ve been a part of me for so many years.
I did not realize you were with me until I officially got introduced to you in my psychiatrist’s office. I’ve been realizing how many things have started to “make sense” ever since I found out about your existence.
You see OCD, your full name is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. You are meant to be destructive, and defective. But you know what? You weren’t always so bad to me. In this letter, I want to not only share with you what kind of troubles you made me go through but also why you weren’t always so bad.
OCD, your name is made of two parts and that’s what makes you, YOU. You made me have obsessions of being perfect, which made me be insanely hard on myself and obsess over efficiency. You also brought in negative, intrusive thoughts about every possible thing that could go wrong if I tried to ignore you. You also gave me some odd compulsions, like re-checking the stovetop more than five times or making sure the water cap is closed multiple times because you made me so anxious if I didn’t.
I remember when I was younger, I had intrusive thoughts about “chewing aluminum foil” in my mouth. For a period of my life, I remember having these intrusive thoughts about having a taste of aluminum foil in my mouth, and you were not pleasant. I was so confused on what it was since I was so young, and you didn’t leave me alone. You were strong enough to make my parents think that I was lying to them so that I could get out from after school activities. I hope you were satisfied.
OCD, you were also strong enough to bring a full on depressive episode VERY recently in my life. When my “perfect summer” didn’t go the way I expected, you popped into my life again. But this time, I needed a lot more help than I did before. Your presence grew stronger inside of me even without me knowing. That’s what makes you so scary and strong.
But you know OCD, I’m also here to THANK you for being a part of me for so long. Because of you, I was able to achieve many things including internships and different opportunities. Because of you, I became a perfectionist, and I was always on top of my work that I was given, and that got me a lot of trust from my higher ups. Because of you, there were many times when I actually saved my house from burning down because the stove was actually still on. If it wasn’t you telling me to re-check it over and over again, I don’t know what would’ve happened.
Last but not least, even though you made me experience what it meant to be suicidal – you made me hold on to my heavenly father more than anything else. You pushed me to the edge of the cliff, but my heavenly father is STRONGER than you, and that allowed me to experience so much of his grace and sovereignty in the midst of everything that you put me through.
Dear OCD, you pushed me to my limit, but I am not going anywhere. I will stand firm and fight against you but also embrace you because you allowed me to be who I am today. I’m sorry you have to be labeled a disorder like this, and I hope more people can learn more about you, so we can try to be friends someday.
This is not a goodbye, but this is me reaching out to acknowledge your existence. Acknowledging how much I hate your guts but still learning how to THANK you for making me who I am today.
I’ll see you in my thoughts.