Throwing Anger Around Like Confetti.

What is going on? This is how it began. My diagnosis. It began with anger that I seemingly couldn’t control. It came out of nowhere and had no reasoning. I all but ran towards help for fear that I would lose my family, friends, my job.

It’s back.

I feel like my whole life is defined by my anger. I am not making excuses. Everyone gets angry, but I have learned to distinguish justified (by me) anger and bipolar anger. I know that getting upset when someone speaks is not justified. I felt like it was getting better. SO. MUCH. BETTER.

I really cannot remember the last time I was this angry all the time. It snuck up on me. It is an unbearable rush of animosity that I can’t quite swallow. I can’t hide it. It creeps up and jumps out. It is always lurking in the shadows behind my joy. I have a silver tongue. It is my weapon of choice, but I didn’t invite it here. I didn’t invite it to a sunny afternoon of crafting, I didn’t invite it to a facetime conversation with my sister, I didn’t invite it to Thanksgiving dinner.

Someone else being right is not a reason to be angry.

Missing an ingredient for pie is not a reason to be angry.

Being asked if I was up late because I slept in is not a reason to be angry.

And yet I am.

So angry that I called a friend a bitch.

So angry that I broke a perfume bottle.

So angry that I intentionally left the ham out overnight so nobody could have leftovers.

A vengeful, spiteful, destructive hate that I throw around like confetti.

I often question if the medication is actually helping or If I am just having highs and lows and the in betweens. That maybe the in betweens were the past few months and it was just an unusual length of okayness.

I am not okay today.

And that is okay.

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25 Replies to “Throwing Anger Around Like Confetti.”

  1. These last weeks my subconscious has convinced me so many times that it ruled me. Just breathe. Breathe into the existence beyond yourself. I can see your fighting down the human crisis, and that awareness is where you win.

  2. This really resonated. Symptoms can pop up and it can be so frustrating, especially if you felt “you were doing well” before. I had that recently but haven’t been able to write about it. Its so frustrating and disappointing.
    Like you say -it’s ok to not be ok. Look after yourself

  3. I cannot tell you how much I empathised with this. I call mine Mr. Hyde and the rage the ensues when I forget to plug in my electric toothbrush is unfathomable.

    But it’s ok, to not be ok.

    1. Hahaha oh my gosh I related to that so much. I got pissed this morning that my pen ran out of ink. Like, what? Why is that even something to be that mad about

  4. All those little things we get angry at – they just pile up. And the more you try to chase those thoughts away, the worse it gets. It’s an infuriating cycle.

    The name of the game is acceptance – accept who we are and accept our thoughts. Great post, I’ve liked looking through your blog!

  5. Anger was not invited?! And you still allowed it to stay? That was rude. I address and evict such rude ones from my presence. Anger ain’t gonna dominate me. I run me, not anger.
    I speak peace to you.

  6. I can definitely sympathize with this. I didn’t know that anger was part of bipolar disorder. I was “diagnosed” when I was 15 – though, who know if it was the real diagnosis or one I made up for the sake of being dramatic – it’s so long ago now that I have no real way of knowing. But it would make sense – the amount of anger I have. Thanks for sharing this!

    1. Everyone is different. I guess the best way to describe my experience is I feel for no reason. I get extremely high as in nothing in the world could possible go wrong regardless of what I do or say. And then I get extremely low where I’m either pissed at the world and acting out in every possible way without any provocation or incredibly depressed.

      1. Same. Same. It’s hell for my kids and my wife… always walking on eggshells and then when something happens trying to hard to course correct me that it just backfires.

  7. I relate to this SO much! I’m exactly the same and I never know if it’s my illness or if I’m just a mean and angry person. I don’t believe that I am and I don’t believe that you are either. It’s hard to deal with this but I hope that you can find some peace. I’m working on doing that myself. When I’ve found myself frustrated I’m trying to find other ways to let that anger out. I used to take martial arts and that helped A LOT! Sometimes you just need to punch something, and that’s ok. Thank you so much for sharing this

  8. I agree. Great post, and thanks for sharing such honesty. I can relate. The feelings of anger, sadness and all is something that I can’t shake off. It’s the feeling of happiness and the next moment anger that looms and lurks all the time.
    I take meds for anxiety, needed to change dose once, doing better now.

  9. I feel the same way about my anxiety. There are days when I am cruising along under control…and days when I am just out of control anxious and when I am having a 0-60 anxious day as I call them- I feel worse because I start to ruminate about how I am out of control…when control over anxiety is something I will never have…it’s frustrating. When I am anxious I am a real bitch to be around and I know it and then when I see the bitch come out (anger, frustrated, generally persnickety) I feel even worse and it’s an ugly cycle…

  10. Unfortunately I really resonate with your post! Anger seems to fly out of me and I hate it! I have to learn to control it because I don’t mean it and the guilt I feel afterwards is awful. I’m so tired of apologising 🙁

  11. Thank you for this post. Some days I really struggle to rein in the negative thoughts that drag me down. Sometimes this translates into anger over the littlest things. Seems especially difficult after having a run of good days. Like you, some days I tell myself it’s okay to not be okay.

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