I made a promise around this time in 2011 to turn my life around and better myself despite my lifelong battle with mental illness. It has never been easy, and I have doubts along the way, but the truth is I am such a healthy person now within my mental illness. Here is something I wrote, a letter to that person I was just seven years ago.
You Made It, A Letter to Me From 11 Years Ago- P1
What a journey it has been.
It has been eleven years since your diagnosis, but this journey started back on that day around Thanksgiving 2011. I remember, these moments tend always to stay inside deep in your heart, you were sitting in front of a different computer–a different desk than the one you sit in front of now.
Despite working hard to better yourself, it was easy to feel alone and lost. You had no real direction —no idea where you wanted to go with your life. It was Thanksgiving, and you stayed true to your promise–you were here for the holidays. You told yourself you would never miss another Thanksgiving. It was a hard year, and you fought the battles. The depression still had its control over you. A year and a half passed since your last suicide attempt. You were strong, even then, but you wanted more than the darkness that had followed you all your life.
You made a plan. It was crazy to think it was even possible at the time, but it had been brewing for some time in your mind–go back to school. Fight the depression. Find a way to be happy, and above all, you wanted to share your experience with the world.
It started with a journal. You wrote for hours all of your hopes for the future. I remember the after feeling. The weight began to lift. After four years of drifting through life seeing it, all pass you by there was real hope in your eyes.
Was this what it felt like to have hope in this mental illness life?
It was an impossible task that you had ahead and it was so much easier to give up on the dream. You had no idea that there was a real strength inside you. I realize now that it was that strength that guided you from that moment until today. It amazes me thinking about you, that is me then, and how different we are now. Would you look at the me today and recognize yourself?
Your eyes were always deep and sunken in–the eternal battle was still in your eyes. The black circles were saying it had been days since you hast had a good nights sleep. The hoodie you always wore to hide the scars on your arms from the world–the results of so many nights of battles with depression lost. Those scars are still there, they always will be, but some have even faded. You would be so proud of me, five years since the last time I self-harmed.
It was the start of something great in your life. You still had battles, and there would be almost two years before you began to find yourself, but finally, you did it. You got back into school. The nights were not so dark anymore, and your mental illness life and your real life began to separate for the first time.
It was the real beginning, and if I am honest with you though you struggled so much to get to that point, it was well worth it. Everything that we have now is because you had hope one night seven years ago that it was possible to change. You have accomplished so much, and I can’t wait to tell you what you have done…
Always Keep Fighting
P.S. Look for part to and the remainder of this letter to myself later today.
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I am almost done editing my memoir “The Bipolar Writer,” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. I am still working towards enough to pay an artist for a good cover. Those that donate will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!