Seeing a friendship that was once vibrant with life and laughter die in front of your eyes can be a sad sight. As it takes its final breath, I have to remind myself that it could not be saved.
This friend tried to control me and when I did not do as she demanded, she would get angry with me. Looking back, I now see that I was not enough in her eyes and I’m alright with that.
My former friend and I were best friends since 2013 when we were roommates in university. I felt like I could tell her anything, that she would always be my right-hand woman on Team Megan.
From then on our friendship began to die.
She did not approve of the man I started dating that year which brought distance between us. After my now ex-boyfriend left for Army basic training, she said that I had to either dump him or marry him immediately.
Those words furiously buzzed in my brain, I was so upset by them that they induced my first panic attack.
After that she and I didn’t spend time together for months until the guy dumped me.
She was present until I began my downward spiral of suicidal thoughts, severe depression, almost daily self-harming and intense anxiety. She refused to listen to my struggles, she couldn’t understand so she closed her ears.
From there I began to distance myself even more from her.
In June 2017 she asked if I would move in with her. I told her no because I just started a new job in April and did not want to leave my boyfriend that I started dating in January. Neither of these things she approved of in the first place.
She was angry with me. She was irritated that I did not drop everything for her. She wanted me to follow the path she was trying to establish for me.
The final straw for me was when she came up to visit me this May. She bought me coffee at my favorite local coffeeshop, sat me down and came for my throat. Figuratively.
She told me how she missed “college Megan” and that she could help me get “back on track” with my career. She began listing off mutual friends saying, “They are doing so well for themselves.”
I understood that as, they are doing great while I’m a loser.
I on the verge of bursting into tears. I couldn’t believe the person who was supposed to be my best friend was saying such hurtful words.
Once she finally left later that afternoon, I laid in my bed and cried.
The next day I texted her, I knew if I called I would cry. I told her she upset me with everything she said and that she made me feel like a failure.
She pulled a Kanye West! She said, “I’m sorry but…” My jaw dropped as she began to justify why she said those hurtful things. She was not sorry at all.
I was not enough for her.
My anxiety tells me that I’ve made a horrible mistake in losing her as a friend. That “if I only listened to her” I would somehow be better off.
My rational self says that I am doing fine without her.
Thank u, next.