I’m Back Baby!

Is what I would like to say, but depression still has its ugly tendrils wrapped around me. I find it harder, every single day, to just get out of bed and go to work. As you can probably tell, I haven’t written anything for several months either. Since my last article I have switched through several medications, been up and down on the roller coaster that is depression, but have slowly regained my clarity. Little by little, I feel my former, yet still depressed, self coming back. It’s hard to put into words, but I will try my best. Depression is like a boulder, resting on your chest, slowly crushing you to death. Most people would probably try their hardest to scream for help, or somehow budge the boulder off of them. Me, on the other hand, would just lie there, and let death slowly envelop me. That is the difference between those with depression and those without. Our survival instincts are being overridden by a malfunctioning brain that is telling us that it is just better to die.

Yet, somewhere deep inside of me, I know that I am different than I was when I started to write. The pain is not as sharp as it used to be. By that I mean that my suicidal ideations are not as oppressing as they used to be. I feel like a country that recently gained independence from a tyrannical dictator, but have no idea what to do now, because tyranny is all I’ve ever known. Step number one is obviously find the right medication for me, which I think after the several dozen that I’ve tried, we might have finally gotten at least one of the mix right. Step number two, I want to start writing again, here and on my own blog The Smiles We Bear. I really loved letting all my emotions and knowledge flow onto a page, and have a genuine reaction from readers. I just have barely been able to muster the energy to do just about anything. Nevertheless, I am going to try my damn hardest to really dive back into writing. I’m going to try to start writing at least once a week, both here and on my own blog. Hopefully, you all haven’t forgotten about me, and I still have a place here. If not, you’re welcome to follow me on my blog. I hope that I can continue to help myself, as well as everyone that reads this blog, in the hopes that one day, mental health won’t be such a difficult topic to openly discuss.



33 Replies to “I’m Back Baby!”

  1. Welcome back! We’d never forget you! You are not a forgettable person! Smiles! Anyway I am glad you’ve finally found a med that is working!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I certainly recognize much of what you’re saying here. I see a lot of this in me too (though I am done with meds!). I know how hard it can be to try to write anything creative when you’re battling depression. I hope you manage it somehow!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Glad to see your posts coming through my feed again.

    I hear, feel and see your pain with balancing meds with your health and hope it all comes together soon for you.

    I lost a few months myself as well because of similar reasons but am back feeling better and grabbing life with both hands hoping that life flows like this without any relapse.

    Much love 💋


  4. Amazing! I love this! I am just coming back myself after 72 days away. I haven’t taken the time to read too many blogs but i just started today and I’m very happy that this was the first one! Thank u for sharing ! Its amazing to finally feel like I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. “Our survival instincts are being overridden by a malfunctioning brain that is telling us that it is just better to die.”
    And that, as far as I am concerned, is the end of the story. The problem of depression is physiological and we need to find a medical solution. Having abandoned prozac I am trying out microdosing. So far the jury is out.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Glad to see you back. I can relate to the boulder. Sometimes I feel when I push it off of me it goes uphill and then wants to come back on me. It is a struggle indeed. Thanks for sharing and keep fighting.


  7. Welcome back, pseudo internet friend! Glad to see your name pop up in my feed, I’ve missed your writing.

    Keep climbing! Just remember we are always here, reaching out a hand if you need help.


  8. Sincere and transparent.

    “Our survival instincts are being overridden by a malfunctioning brain that is telling us that it is just better to die.”

    Relatable and familiar.

    Keel writing friend. I have fallen into a similar rhythm. Winter is no help. ♡


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