Calling Out of Work

So, today I called out of work for the umpteenth time, and I feel awful about it, I truly do. There are just some days where I can’t, for one reason or another, bring myself to get out of bed. There is the possibility that I will lose my job, and I don’t even know if I would care. Depression has this way of developing bad habits for people. In my case, it is most definitely calling out of work, and my personal hygiene (see my blog for a post about that). There are things that we do when we are depressed, so that it doesn’t seem to hurt as much, or so that we can make it through the day. Often enough, when we do these things to make ourselves feel more comfortable, they become habitual. Humans are inherently scared to leave their comfort zone, leaving themselves vulnerable. I most certainly am one of those people, not to mention the added bonus of having pretty bad anxiety. When I get up in the morning, the first thoughts that run through my head are, “Oh I’m not dead yet” and “What do I need to do to survive the day”. I know, pretty contradictory, but my brain is funny like that. I have this weird balance in my depression of wanting to die, but if I don’t die, than how do I make it through the day to maybe die tomorrow. I mean, it’s not a pretty reason, but for some odd reason it keeps me going. Today was another one of those days where I didn’t die in my sleep, so I automatically went to how am I going to survive the day. The first issue was that I didn’t want to go to my begrudgingly boring and mediocre job, because I knew that doing what I do for 8 hours would probably only worsen the depression that I was already feeling when I woke up. The second problem, was that I am out of paid time off, and I’m taking more time than I have been allotted, which creates problems for my bosses. Hence, why it is a possibility that I may lose my job. I can already see what you’re thinking, “Alan, if you hate your job that much than why don’t you leave?” Simple, because the company I work for is a great company with tons of benefits, and I worked really hard to get into it in the first place. The only problem is, while I’m currently going back to school to work on my degree, I’m stuck at this pathetic level where I hate my job, but love my company. So what choice do I have but try my best to stick it out until I earn my degree? It just is so hard sometimes, that it makes my head spin. I don’t know why I am the way I am, but I have a strong feeling that my depression is to blame. Hopefully, I have it in me to get out of bed tomorrow and go to work like any other normal person. Until then, I’ll just continue to vent to all of you lovely people in the hopes that I can alleviate some of the distress that I am feeling today.

 

Thanks as always,

Wolfgang

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48 Replies to “Calling Out of Work”

  1. I totally get how you feel. Actual combination of situations may be different but have been through the same feelings and internal conflict.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am truly saddened on what you are going through and as bad as it sounds… I am also happy. Happy to know that I am not alone in this battle. That there is someone like me who is going through the same thing and is still believing that there is still hope for us to be better. Keep going!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my…someone who understands. I called in yesterday for the thought of getting out of bed was unbearable. Thank you. Keep fighting

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  4. Hi, I’ve had these days for a super long time as well and felt horrible about it.
    It’s really difficult to realize this when you’re having a depressive episode, but taking care of yourself is the most important thing!
    It really sucks for your job that you have to call in sick, but if that’s what you need to do to survive the day than so be it. Just try to do stuff, even if it’s just eating or taking a shower, that really helps me!
    Greetings,
    Shai

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  5. I have lost several jobs due to calling out and it is absolutely humiliating. I want to tell them, “There were walls around me when I woke up. I couldn’t leave.” but they’d never understand that and who wants to more or less tell their boss they’re crazy? I feel your pain too well. Praying for better days ahead!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks for sharing, I find your posts very informative. What’s one of the greatest misconceptions about depression?

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  7. I have definitely been at this point before… though right now I’m struggling with getting to work every day. I want to crawl into bed until after the holiday. Thank you as always for sharing your story. Keep working, you’ve got this!

    PS- really glad you’re back to blogging!

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      1. Yeah, that’s the one thing that keeps me going. And I love the kiddos where I work. My side jobs aren’t enough to pay all my bills yet (but it’s a start to be able to work from home)

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  8. I called out of work yesterday! I actually have bronchitis and insomnia right now, but I’ve had to call out due to my mental health before too. I hope things get better for you!

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  9. I’m saddened for you and hope things improve for you soon. I can’t say I personally understand your struggle but I truly empathize with you, take care!

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  10. I completely understand you! I’m actually not working at all at the moment due to bad mental health and my anxiety, it’s so hard to explain to people! I hope things improve for you soon x

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  11. This sounds exactly like me. I didn’t die last night so how do I make it through today? Every day I want to call in sick to work, but I know I will lose my job. And I need this stupid job IF I still have to live. I cry at my desk many days a week. I hate feeling like this. While I’m sad you feel the same way, I get some respite knowing other people out there are fling through the literal same thing. Stay strong this holiday season – I know it’s hard one for me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I feel the same way, it’s sad to know you’re feeling the same as me, but also comforting to know I’m not alone. You stay strong as well, we are all in this together

      Like

  12. I can totally relate. I am officially out of sick/personal time due to calling out when things get rough. Hang in there!

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  13. You’re not alone. No where near alone as you can see from all of the support above me. I suffer from severe waves of depression and I’ve also come to love and appreciate the company I’ve been with for 6 years but I hate the physical act of waking up to get ready to commute here and to be here all day stuck inside of spread sheets and difficult patients. I feel
    Guilty, because I recently got a huge raise- yet I’m still just…. not satisfied. With anything. Everything in and around my life aside from my kids (I’m convinced they’re the only reason aside
    From writing that I’m still alive) is just, “WHATEVER- who fucking cares”. I have little to no energy, and I just hate myself emotionally, physically, spiritually. We are just… getting by. Day by day. And it’s awful. I know it is. I wish I could provide you with some magical light at the end of some nonexistent tunnel, but instead… I’ll tell you this once more: You are not alone. There will continue to be this merry-go-round of horrible days and phenomenal days and for people like us, we just need to find more reasons to keep going. We need to stop fearing life and change and we need to find strength. Somehow. We can and we will. Somehow…

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me, and will most definitely give me the strength to go to work, for a while at least. You’re right though, we have to continue to find new reasons to keep fighting, but always fight we will!

      Liked by 2 people

  14. It is sad to read this kind of story, but at least you can voice it out through your blog. It is indeed hard to drag yourself going to work, but you can always use your degree or achieving your degree a motivation to get up every morning. Always try to look for something that will motivate you. That will surely keep uou going. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Wow, I totally relate (though for me, it’s school). It’s sad how much me and my friends joke about this stuff too. Like, one of will walk in to class, and one already there will say, (jokingly!) “Ugh, you’re not dead yet?” It may be a problem, but sometimes joking about it seems to make things better (for me). It kinda loosens the grip of depression by just brushing it off as a joke, so it’s easier to smile and laugh and get on with life.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. I am taking a 2 week disability leave because my Depression side of Bi-Polar is setting in. I feel horrible because I love my job and the company I work for. Thankfully I have a manager who also deals with mental health issues and completely understands. Keep strong man. Something my boss said to me today… “ You gotta be you. Take care of yourself. The mind trap you get into when you don’t, is even worse than calling in, or taking a leave. “ That really hit home. So, take care of yourself, and don’t be ashamed.

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  17. I wish mental health had the same stigma as physical health in the working world. And that’s a HUGE wish, I realize, but it would make a world of difference for sure. I, too, used to be a girl who’d call in to work because getting out of bed was a task I couldn’t manage. I also did it for selfish reasons given the age I was when it most often happened. Then I had kids and what mediocre jobs I could get were just that, mediocre, nothing special, I was completely replaceable and I took advantage of that. Instead of giving a proper two weeks notice I just wouldn’t show up. Now that I have four children, and working is an absolute must, the anxiety has kicked in and has wreaked havoc for sleeping in general. Now I’m just irritable most of the time during a more extreme episode, any way, and don’t function very well at home. I often neglect my hygiene, but hide that pretty well from others since my hair has to be up and make up to cover up the dark circles. I do for my family but certainly not myself.

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